Coming out later in life: dating after a long marriage

Some people know they’re gay, lesbian or bisexual from a young age but don’t feel able to live openly until much later. Others only realise, or allow themselves to admit it, in their 40s, 50s, 60s or beyond. Many people who come out later in life have spent years in a heterosexual marriage, raised children and built a life that, from the outside, looked settled. Coming out can bring enormous relief and joy. It can also bring grief, fear and difficult conversations with a spouse, children, grandchildren and friends.

This guide is for anyone coming out later in life and thinking about dating. It covers the emotional side of coming out after a long marriage, telling your family, practical and legal questions if you’re separating, starting to date as an LGBTQ+ person for the first time, staying safe and finding community. It doesn’t give legal, financial or medical advice. If you need advice about divorce, money or your health, please speak to a solicitor, an adviser or a GP.

You’re not alone

In the 2021 Census for England and Wales, around 1.5 million people aged 16 and over, about 3.2% of that population, identified as lesbian, gay, bisexual or another minority sexual orientation.

Many older LGBTQ+ people grew up in a time when:

• Sex between men was a crime, until it was partly decriminalised in England and Wales in 1967, Scotland in 1980 and Northern Ireland in 1982
• Section 28 stopped local authorities in England, Wales and Scotland from “promoting homosexuality”, until its repeal in 2000 in Scotland and 2003 in England and Wales
• Same-sex marriage wasn’t legal. It became legal in England and Wales in 2014, Scotland in 2014 and Northern Ireland in 2020
• Family, faith or community pressure made it feel impossible to be open

It’s not surprising that many people married someone of the opposite sex, sometimes knowing they were gay or bisexual, sometimes not fully realising. Coming out later in life is not a failure or a betrayal of who you were. It’s often a recognition of who you’ve always been.

Coming out is a process

Coming out isn’t usually one conversation. It’s a series of decisions about who to tell and when. Many people start by coming out to themselves, then to one trusted person, then to others over time.

It may help to:

• Take your time. You don’t have to tell everyone at once
• Start with someone you trust, such as a close friend, sibling or counsellor
• Think about your safety and wellbeing, especially if you expect a difficult reaction
• Get support for yourself, for example from an LGBTQ+ helpline or support group
• Remember you’re in control. It’s your story to share

Some people feel a strong urge to tell everyone as soon as possible. Others prefer to come out slowly. Neither is wrong.

If you’re married or in a long-term relationship

Coming out while married or in a long-term relationship with someone of the opposite sex can be one of the hardest parts. Your spouse may feel:

• Shock, even if they had suspicions
• Grief for the relationship and the future they imagined
• Anger or betrayal, especially if they feel they were deceived
• Confusion about the past, and questions about whether the marriage was “real”
• Worry about what others will think, and how children will react
• Relief, sometimes, if things make more sense

There’s no script for this conversation. It may help to:

• Choose a private, calm time, not during an argument or a family event
• Be honest, and explain how you feel, without blaming your spouse
• Acknowledge their feelings, and give them time and space
• Avoid making big decisions straight away, such as moving out or telling the children, unless it’s necessary for your safety
• Consider counselling, either individually or together. Relate, Relationships Scotland and Relate NI offer counselling, and some counsellors specialise in this situation

Some couples separate. Some stay together, at least for a while, perhaps redefining their relationship. Some remain close friends and co-parents. There’s no right outcome, only what works for you both.

If you’ve been in a relationship with someone of the same sex while married, coming out may also involve telling your spouse about an affair. That can make things more painful. Being honest, and getting support, can help both of you move forward. If you’re the spouse who has been left, our guide to dating after your spouse had an affair may be useful, as may how to start dating again after divorce.

Telling your children and grandchildren

Many people who come out later in life worry most about their children. Children’s reactions can vary hugely, and often change over time.

Adult children

Adult children may:

• Be supportive straight away
• Need time to adjust and ask questions
• Feel protective of their other parent
• Worry about what it means for family life, holidays and inheritance
• Struggle, especially if their faith or values are challenged

It may help to:

• Tell them yourself, before they hear from someone else
• Reassure them that your love for them hasn’t changed
• Answer their questions honestly, without oversharing about your sex life
• Avoid asking them to take sides
• Give them time

Younger children

If you have younger children, how you explain things will depend on their age. It’s usually best to agree with their other parent how and when to tell them, if you can. Many families find that children cope best when both parents are calm and reassuring.

Grandchildren

Grandchildren often accept a grandparent’s coming out more easily than adults expect. Talk to their parents first about how and when to share.

Our guides to introducing a new partner to your children and when adult children disapprove may also help.

Telling friends, colleagues and your community

You may feel anxious about how friends, neighbours, colleagues or your faith community will react. Some people find that friends are more accepting than they feared. Others lose some relationships, which can be painful.

It may help to:

• Tell close friends first, who can offer support
• Decide whether to tell colleagues, and how. In Great Britain, the Equality Act 2010 protects people from discrimination at work because of sexual orientation. In Northern Ireland, similar protections are provided under separate legislation
• Think about your faith, if that’s important to you. Many faith communities now welcome LGBTQ+ people, and there are LGBTQ+ faith groups for many religions

If it’s your spouse who has come out

If your husband, wife or partner has come out to you, you may be dealing with shock, grief, anger and confusion, sometimes alongside love and concern for them. It’s common to question the whole relationship, or to wonder whether you missed signs. These feelings are understandable, and you don’t have to resolve them quickly.

It may help to:

• Get support for yourself, from a counsellor, a trusted friend or a support group for partners in your situation
• Take your time before making decisions about the future
• Get your own legal and financial advice if you’re separating
• Look after your health, including sleep and eating, during a stressful time

When you feel ready to date again, our guides to how to start dating again after divorce and rebuilding trust after betrayal may help.

Practical and legal matters if you’re separating

If you’re separating from a spouse or partner, you’ll need to think about practical matters, such as your home, money, pensions and arrangements for any children. The law differs across the UK. This is general information, not legal advice.

• Get legal advice before making big decisions, especially about property
• Don’t move out or agree to financial arrangements before taking advice, unless your safety is at risk
• Consider mediation, which can help couples agree practical arrangements
• Think about wills and pension nominations, which may need updating

If you and your ex are still living together while you sort things out, our guide to dating while living with your ex covers that situation.

Looking after your wellbeing

Coming out later in life can be emotionally intense. You may feel joy, relief, grief, guilt, fear and excitement, sometimes all at once. Some people grieve the years they spent not living openly. Others feel guilty about the pain their coming out has caused.

It may help to:

• Talk to an LGBTQ+ helpline, such as Switchboard
• Find a counsellor who has experience with LGBTQ+ clients and later-life coming out
• Join a support group, online or in person, for people who’ve come out later in life
• Be kind to yourself, and take things one step at a time

If you’re struggling, speak to your GP, or contact Samaritans on 116 123, free and 24 hours.

Starting to date

For many people who come out later in life, dating as an LGBTQ+ person is completely new. You might feel like a teenager again, unsure of the “rules”. That’s normal.

Where to meet people

Many people find a mix of approaches works best:

• LGBTQ+ social groups and events, including groups for older people, walking groups, choirs and book clubs
• LGBTQ+ venues, although some older people prefer quieter settings
• Pride events, which often include community stalls and activities
• Dating apps and websites, including mainstream apps where you can choose who you’d like to meet, and apps aimed at LGBTQ+ people
• Friends and community, who may introduce you to people

Our guides to gay dating after 50, lesbian dating after 50 and bisexual dating after 50 cover places to meet people and the dating scene in more depth.

Your dating profile

When writing a profile, it may help to:

• Be clear about what you’re looking for, whether that’s friendship, a relationship or something more casual
• Mention that you’re new to the scene, if you’re comfortable. Many people will be welcoming
• Use recent, clear photos
• Be honest about your situation, such as recently separated

Some people worry about being seen on dating apps by people they know. Most apps let you control some of what’s visible, and some offer features to hide your profile from certain contacts. Check the app’s privacy settings.

Taking things at your own pace

You might feel a strong urge to make up for lost time. That’s understandable. It’s also fine to take things slowly. Many people find it helps to:

• Get to know people as friends first
• Go on low-pressure dates, such as a coffee or a walk
• Be honest about being new to dating as an LGBTQ+ person
• Notice how you feel, and don’t rush into anything that doesn’t feel right

Expectations and differences

Some people coming out later in life find the LGBTQ+ dating scene different from what they expected. It may seem very young, very focused on appearance, or very different from the world you’re used to. Others find warmth and acceptance. Finding older LGBTQ+ groups and events can help you meet people at a similar stage of life.

Staying safe

Most people you meet will be genuine. But some safety steps are especially important for LGBTQ+ people dating later in life:

• Video call before meeting, to check someone is who they say they are
• Meet in public, and tell a friend where you’re going
• Be cautious about sharing personal details, such as your address or surname, until you trust someone
• Never send money to someone you’ve met online, however convincing their story
• Be aware of blackmail and “outing” threats. If someone threatens to tell people about your sexuality unless you pay them, don’t pay. Contact the police on 101, or 999 in an emergency
• Be careful sharing intimate photos. Our guide to sexual photos and messages online explains the risks

Our guides to first date safety and dating app scams over 50 have more tips.

Sexual health

If you’re having sex with new partners, it’s worth thinking about sexual health, whatever your age. Sexual health clinics offer free, confidential testing and advice across the UK, and many are welcoming to LGBTQ+ people of all ages. Your GP or a sexual health clinic can talk to you about how to protect yourself and your partners. Our guide to sexual health and STI testing explains how testing works.

Finding community

Many people say that finding LGBTQ+ community was one of the best parts of coming out later in life. Community can offer friendship, understanding and a sense of belonging, as well as opportunities to meet partners.

Organisations include:

• Switchboard: 0800 0119 100, 10am to 10pm, every day, LGBTQIA+ helpline
• LGBT Foundation, which offers information and support, based in Manchester
• Opening Doors, a charity supporting LGBTQ+ people over 50, based in London
• LGBT Health and Wellbeing, in Scotland, which runs groups including for older people
• The Rainbow Project, in Northern Ireland
• Local LGBTQ+ groups, which you can often find through council websites, libraries or Pride organisations

Common situations

“I’m 58, married for 30 years, and I’ve just realised I’m gay”

That can feel overwhelming. Take your time, talk to someone you trust, and get support before making big decisions.

“My wife is devastated and I feel so guilty”

Guilt is common. Being honest, kind and patient, and getting counselling, can help you both.

“My son won’t talk to me since I came out”

That’s painful. Give him time, keep the door open, and let him know you love him. Many relationships improve with time.

“I don’t know how to date men or women. I feel like a teenager”

That’s very common. Start slowly, perhaps with community events, and be honest about being new.

“I’m worried someone from church will see me on a dating app”

Check the app’s privacy settings, and think about who you’re comfortable knowing. You may also find LGBTQ+ faith groups helpful.

Frequently asked questions

Is it normal to come out later in life?

Yes. Many people come out in their 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond, often after long heterosexual marriages.

Should I tell my spouse first?

Many people do, because a spouse is most directly affected. Think about your safety and get support.

Do I have to come out to everyone?

No. You can decide who to tell, when and how.

Where can I meet other LGBTQ+ people over 50?

Through LGBTQ+ social groups, events, dating apps and organisations such as Opening Doors and LGBT Health and Wellbeing.

Where can I get support?

Switchboard (0800 0119 100), LGBT Foundation, LGBT Health and Wellbeing, the Rainbow Project, your GP or a counsellor.

Related guides

• Gay dating after 50
• Lesbian dating after 50
• Bisexual dating after 50
• Trans dating later in life
• How to start dating again after divorce at 50
• When adult children disapprove

Sources

• Office for National Statistics, “Sexual orientation, England and Wales: Census 2021”.
• Sexual Offences Act 1967; Criminal Justice (Scotland) Act 1980; Homosexual Offences (Northern Ireland) Order 1982; Local Government Act 1988 (Section 28); Marriage (Same Sex Couples) Act 2013; Marriage and Civil Partnership (Scotland) Act 2014; Equality Act 2010.
• Switchboard; LGBT Foundation; Opening Doors; LGBT Health and Wellbeing; The Rainbow Project; Samaritans.