Finding out that your husband, wife or partner had an affair can turn your world upside down. Beyond the end of a marriage, it can shake your confidence, your trust in your own judgement and your belief that anyone could be faithful to you. When you eventually think about dating again, those feelings don’t always disappear. You may find yourself wondering whether you’re ready, whether you’ll ever trust someone again, how to talk about what happened, and how to stop the past from spoiling something new.
This guide is for people over 40 who are thinking about dating again after a partner’s affair. It covers the emotional impact of infidelity, signs you may be ready, rebuilding confidence, trust in a new relationship, how much to share with a new partner, looking after your sexual health, and dealing with an ex who’s now with the person they had an affair with. It doesn’t give legal, medical or psychological advice. Where those questions come up, we point you to people who can help.
General information, not medical or psychological, medical or legal advice
This guide explains how things generally work in the UK so you know what to ask. It is not advice about your situation, and Hearts Again is not a law firm, financial adviser or healthcare provider. Rules differ between England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland and can change. Before you make any decision, speak to a qualified professional:
- your GP, a counsellor registered with the BACP, or Samaritans on 116 123 if you are struggling
- a sexual health clinic (find one on the NHS website), your GP, a pharmacist or NHS 111
- a solicitor, for example through the Law Society (England and Wales), the Law Society of Scotland or the Law Society of Northern Ireland, or Citizens Advice for free initial guidance
The short answer
- Discovering a partner's affair can bring shock, grief, anger and self-doubt. These are normal reactions to a painful betrayal.
- There's no set time before you're ready to date. Signs include thinking about your ex less often, feeling curious rather than desperate, and being able to imagine trusting someone.
- Rebuilding self-esteem is often an important first step. The affair says more about your ex's choices than about your worth.
- In a new relationship, it helps to separate past from present and to build trust gradually, through consistent behaviour.
- You don't have to share all the details with a new partner. A short, calm explanation is usually enough at first.
- If there was sexual infidelity, a sexual health check is sensible. NHS sexual health clinics are free and confidential.
The impact of a partner’s affair
Discovering that a spouse or long-term partner has had an affair is often described as one of the most painful experiences in a relationship. People commonly describe:
- Shock and disbelief, especially if the affair went on for a long time
- Grief, for the relationship, the future you’d planned and the person you thought you knew
- Anger, sometimes intense and long-lasting
- Humiliation, particularly if others knew before you did
- Self-doubt, questioning your attractiveness, worth or judgement
- Intrusive thoughts, replaying events or imagining the affair
- Difficulty sleeping, eating or concentrating
These reactions can last months or longer, and they can resurface unexpectedly. If they’re affecting your daily life, talking to your GP or a counsellor can help.
Divorce and the practical side
If the affair has led to separation or divorce, there may be a lot to deal with alongside the emotional impact: housing, money, children, and the legal process.
- In England and Wales, since April 2022, you don’t need to prove adultery or any other fault to get a divorce. A spouse can apply on the basis that the marriage has broken down
- In Scotland, the rules are different, and adultery is still one way of showing a marriage has broken down
- In Northern Ireland, the rules also differ
A family solicitor can explain your options. Our guide to dating after divorce covers starting again more broadly.
When might you be ready to date?
There’s no fixed timescale. Some people want to date again quickly, sometimes to prove to themselves they’re still desirable. Others need years. Both are understandable.
Signs you may be starting to feel ready include:
- You think about your ex and the affair less often, and with less intensity
- You feel curious about meeting someone, rather than needing to prove something
- You can imagine trusting someone, even if it feels a little scary
- You’ve built a life you enjoy, with friends and interests of your own
- You could talk about your past without it taking over a conversation
Warning signs you may not be ready yet
- Wanting to date mainly to make your ex jealous
- Comparing every new person to the affair partner
- Feeling constant anger when you think about your ex
- Checking your ex’s social media regularly
If these sound familiar, it may be worth focusing on recovery a little longer. Our guides to how to know you’re ready to date again and whether you’re lonely or ready explore this further.
Rebuilding your self-esteem
Infidelity often damages confidence. Many people ask themselves what was wrong with them, or compare themselves to the person their partner had an affair with. It may help to remember:
- An affair is a choice made by the person who had it. It doesn’t prove you weren’t good enough
- Relationships are complicated, but there are many ways to deal with problems that don’t involve deceit
- Your worth isn’t defined by someone else’s behaviour
Things people find helpful include:
- Spending time with people who value you
- Doing things you enjoy, or trying something new
- Looking after your health, including sleep, exercise and eating well
- Talking to a counsellor, especially if self-blame is strong
Our guide to how to feel attractive again after 50 covers confidence in more depth.
Trusting someone new
One of the biggest worries after infidelity is whether you’ll ever trust a partner again. It’s common to feel suspicious, watchful or anxious in a new relationship, even when there’s no reason for concern.
Separating past from present
When you feel a stab of doubt, it can help to ask:
- Has this person actually done anything to break my trust?
- Is this about them, or about my ex?
- What would reassure me, and is it reasonable to ask for?
Building trust gradually
Trust grows through consistent behaviour over time. Signs of a trustworthy partner include:
- Their words and actions match
- They’re open about their life, friends and plans
- They introduce you to people who matter to them, when the time is right
- They’re consistent, not hot and cold
- They respect your boundaries
Our guide to rebuilding trust in a new relationship after betrayal explores this in depth, and our guide to jealousy in a new relationship may help if jealousy is a problem.
When distrust is a warning
Sometimes your instincts are right. Be cautious if a new partner is vague about their relationship status, won’t introduce you to anyone, is often unreachable without explanation, or has a story that keeps changing. Our guide to red flags in a new relationship explains common warning signs.
If you tried to make it work first
Some people discover an affair and try to rebuild the relationship before it eventually ends. Others stay for years, perhaps for the children, before leaving. If that’s your story, you may feel extra emotions: regret about the time spent trying, relief that it’s over, or confusion about why it didn’t work. These feelings are normal. Trying to save a relationship isn’t a failure, and neither is deciding to leave.
Anger, forgiveness and moving on
Anger is a natural response to betrayal. It can be a sign that you know you deserved better. But long-lasting, intense anger can make it hard to move on, and can spill into new relationships.
It may help to:
- Find safe outlets for anger, such as exercise, writing or talking to a counsellor
- Limit how much time you spend thinking or talking about your ex
- Notice when anger is aimed at the wrong person, such as a new partner who reminds you of something
Forgiveness is a personal choice. Some people find that letting go of anger, without excusing what happened, frees them to move forward. Others never forgive, and still build happy new lives. Neither is wrong. What matters is that the past doesn’t control your future.
Money matters after an affair
Sometimes an affair has financial consequences, such as money spent on gifts, trips or a second home, or shared savings used without your knowledge. If you’re divorcing, both spouses are usually expected to give full financial disclosure, and a solicitor can explain how money spent on an affair might be considered. Our guide to dating after a bitter divorce covers some of the practical and emotional challenges of a difficult split.
When you start a new relationship, you may want to keep your finances separate for a while. That’s sensible for anyone dating later in life. Our guide to money in later-life relationships has more.
Dating someone who has also been cheated on
You may meet someone who has been through a similar experience. Shared understanding can be comforting, and you may find it easier to talk about your fears. But it can also mean two people bringing their own anxieties into a relationship. It helps to talk openly about what you each need to feel secure, and to notice if you’re bonding mainly over shared hurt rather than shared interests and values.
What to tell a new partner
You don’t owe anyone the full story, especially early on. Many people find a short, calm explanation works best.
On a first date
If the subject comes up, a brief answer is usually enough:
- “My marriage ended a couple of years ago. It was difficult, but I’m in a good place now.”
- “We divorced after he had an affair. It was hard, but I’ve moved on.”
Avoid going into lots of detail or criticising your ex at length, which can make a date uncomfortable. Our guide to whether to talk about your divorce on a first date has more.
As things get more serious
As trust grows, you may want to share more, especially if past hurt affects how you react. For example: “My ex had an affair, so sometimes I get anxious if plans change suddenly. It’s not about you, but it helps if you let me know.”
A kind partner will usually be happy to help. If someone uses your past against you, or dismisses your feelings, that’s a warning sign.
Your dating profile
There’s no need to mention the affair on your profile. A positive line about your situation, such as “Divorced and enjoying a new chapter”, is enough. Avoid phrases such as “no cheaters” or “no liars”. They’re understandable, but they can make you sound bitter and put off kind people. Our guide to dating profile examples after divorce shows how to strike a positive tone.
Looking after your sexual health
If your ex was sexually unfaithful, it’s sensible to have a sexual health check, even if you feel well, as some infections have no symptoms. It’s also wise before starting a sexual relationship with someone new. NHS sexual health clinics are free and confidential, and many areas offer free home testing kits. Our guide to sexual health and STI testing after 50 explains how.
When your ex is with the affair partner
It can be particularly painful if your ex is now in a relationship with the person they had an affair with. You may see them together, hear about them from friends or children, or see them on social media.
It can help to:
- Limit contact to what’s necessary, especially if you share children
- Mute or unfollow them on social media
- Avoid comparing your new life to theirs
- Lean on friends who support you
- Focus on your own future
Our guide to when your ex finds someone first covers this in more detail.
Children and family
If you have children, they may be dealing with their own feelings about the affair and the divorce, whatever their age. Adult children may take sides, or be angry with the parent who had the affair. When you start dating:
- Try not to involve children in conflict with your ex
- Take your time introducing a new partner
- Be honest but age-appropriate about what’s happening
Our guides to introducing a new partner to your children and when adult children disapprove may help.
First dates after betrayal
The first few dates after a painful break-up can feel nerve-racking. A few things can help:
- Keep first dates short and relaxed, such as a coffee or a walk
- Focus on getting to know the other person, rather than testing them
- Notice how you feel in their company, rather than trying to predict the future
- Have a friend you can talk to afterwards
It’s normal to feel wobbly or emotional after early dates. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be dating, just that you’re healing. Our guide to first date conversation tips may help.
Getting support
You don’t have to deal with this alone.
- Relate (England and Wales), Relationships Scotland and Relate NI offer counselling, including for individuals after a relationship ends
- Your GP can tell you about NHS talking therapies if you’re struggling with low mood or anxiety
- Friends and family can offer practical and emotional support
- Samaritans are available free, any time, on 116 123 if you’re feeling overwhelmed
Common situations
“I can’t stop thinking about the affair”
That’s common, especially in the early months. A counsellor can help you work through intrusive thoughts.
“I want to date to show my ex I’ve moved on”
Understandable, but dating for your ex rarely feels good for long. Focus on what you want for yourself.
“My new partner is lovely, but I keep checking his phone”
That’s often a sign of past hurt. Talk about it, and consider counselling to help you manage the urge.
“Everyone knew about the affair except me”
That’s a painful kind of humiliation. Spending time with people you trust, and talking to a counsellor, can help.
“I’m terrified it will happen again”
That fear is natural. Going slowly, noticing whether a new partner is consistent, and getting support can help you rebuild trust.
Frequently asked questions
How long should I wait to date after my spouse had an affair?
There’s no set time. It depends on when you feel ready, rather than wanting to prove something.
Will I ever trust anyone again?
Many people do, with time. Trust is rebuilt gradually, through a partner’s consistent behaviour.
Should I tell a new partner my ex cheated?
You can, but there’s no need to share all the details early on. A brief, calm explanation is usually enough.
Should I get tested after my spouse’s affair?
It’s sensible to have a sexual health check. NHS sexual health clinics are free and confidential.
Do I need to prove adultery to get divorced?
In England and Wales, no, since April 2022. Rules differ in Scotland and Northern Ireland. A solicitor can explain.
Where can I get support?
Relate, Relationships Scotland, Relate NI, your GP and Samaritans (116 123).
Related guides
- Dating after you had an affair
- Rebuilding trust in a new relationship after betrayal
- How to start dating again after divorce at 50
- Dating after a bitter divorce
- When your ex finds someone first
- Jealousy in a new relationship
- Red flags in a new relationship after 50
Sources
- Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Act 2020 (England and Wales, in force April 2022); Divorce (Scotland) Act 1976.
- NHS: sexual health clinics and STI testing.
- Relate; Relationships Scotland; Relate NI; Samaritans.