Dating after divorce at 40: children, time and starting again

Divorcing in your forties often means starting again right in the middle of life. You may have children at school, a career at its busiest, a mortgage, and friends who are still mostly married. You may not feel old enough to be “starting over”, and you may not feel young enough to date the way you did at 25. Dating after divorce at 40 has its own particular questions: how to fit it around children and work, whether you might want more children, how to handle an ex who is still very much part of your life, and how to trust your own judgement again.

This guide is for people in their forties who are dating, or thinking about dating, after a divorce or long-term separation. It covers readiness, children and co-parenting, the question of more children, where people in their forties meet, apps, money and time, your ex, and what to expect from your first relationships after divorce. It doesn’t give legal or financial advice. Where those questions come up, we point you to the people who can help.

General information, not legal, financial or medical or psychological advice

This guide explains how things generally work in the UK so you know what to ask. It is not advice about your situation, and Hearts Again is not a law firm, financial adviser or healthcare provider. Rules differ between England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland and can change. Before you make any decision, speak to a qualified professional:

a solicitor, for example through the Law Society (England and Wales), the Law Society of Scotland or the Law Society of Northern Ireland, or Citizens Advice for free initial guidance
a family law solicitor, for example a member of Resolution, or an accredited mediator through the Family Mediation Council (Scotland: Relationships Scotland)
a regulated financial adviser (check they are on the FCA Register), or MoneyHelper, the free government-backed money guidance service
your GP, a counsellor registered with the BACP, or Samaritans on 116 123 if you are struggling

The short answer

Many people divorce in their forties, often with children still at home. You're far from alone.
There's no fixed time to wait before dating. What matters is whether you're ready, not how many months have passed.
If you have children, keep dating separate from family life at first, and introduce a new partner only when the relationship is stable.
Your forties may be the last chance to decide about having more children. If it matters, raise it early with anyone you're dating.
Time is often the biggest practical challenge. Planning dates around childcare and work, and using apps efficiently, helps.
If you have legal or financial questions, a family solicitor, mediator or regulated financial adviser can explain your options.

Divorce in your forties: the picture

Divorce is common in the UK. The Office for National Statistics recorded 102,678 divorces in England and Wales in 2023, and the median length of opposite-sex marriages ending in divorce was 12.7 years. Many of those marriages began in people’s late twenties or thirties, which means a lot of people find themselves divorcing in their forties.

Since April 2022, divorce in England and Wales has been “no fault”, under the Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Act 2020. Scotland and Northern Ireland have their own systems. If you have questions about where you stand legally, a family solicitor can explain. Our guide to whether you can date before your divorce is final covers the general points people commonly ask about.

Are you ready to date?

There’s no rule about how long to wait. Some people are ready soon after separating, especially if the marriage ended long before the paperwork. Others need a year or more. Signs you may be ready include:

You can talk about your ex without intense anger or grief, most of the time
You’re curious about meeting someone, rather than desperate not to be alone
You have some routine and stability, including where you live and how you share care of children
You’re not dating mainly to make your ex jealous, or to prove something
You can imagine enjoying a date even if it doesn’t lead anywhere

Our guides to how long to wait to date after a separation and how to know you’re ready to date again go into this in more depth.

Children and dating

If you have children, they’ll shape how you date. That doesn’t mean you can’t, but it does mean thinking carefully.

Keep dating separate at first

It is often suggested that parents keep early dating separate from their children’s lives. Children have just been through a big change, and meeting a series of new people can be unsettling. Things many parents find helpful:

Date when your children are with your ex, or with family, if that’s possible
Don’t introduce someone new until the relationship is stable, often several months in
Be honest but brief if older children ask whether you’re dating
Keep your children’s routines steady, including when you’re busy with dating

Our guides to introducing a new partner to your children and dating with teenagers at home cover this step in detail.

Co-parenting and dating

In your forties, you’ll probably be co-parenting for years. A new relationship can affect that, so it helps to:

Keep communication with your ex focused on the children
Avoid using new relationships to score points
Agree, if you can, how and when new partners will be introduced
Expect some feelings, on both sides, when one of you starts dating

If co-parenting is difficult, organisations such as Cafcass in England, and Relationships Scotland, have information on parenting plans. A family mediator can help you agree arrangements.

Telling the children

How much you tell children depends on their ages. Younger children may not need to know about early dates at all. Teenagers often notice, and may have strong feelings. Being honest, without going into detail, and reassuring them that they come first, usually helps. If a child is struggling, their school, GP or a family counsellor can be a good source of support.

Do you want more children?

This is one of the biggest questions in dating after divorce at 40, and it’s best faced early.

If you’d like more children, it’s worth being open about it fairly early, as it affects who you’re compatible with.
If you definitely don’t, say so too. Many people in their forties are looking for someone who either has children or is happy not to have them.
If you’re not sure, that’s fine, but it may help to think it through before a relationship becomes serious.

For general information about fertility and age, the NHS is a good starting point, and your GP can talk about your own situation. Dating apps that let you say whether you want children, or filter by it, can help. Our guide to using dating app filters well after 50 explains how filters work, and the same principles apply in your forties.

Where people in their forties meet

People in their forties meet partners in many ways:

Dating apps and websites. Many people in their forties use mainstream apps such as Hinge and Bumble, as well as sites aimed at people looking for longer-term relationships. Our guide to dating after 40 covers options in detail.
Friends and social circles. Being open with friends that you’re dating can lead to introductions.
Activities and clubs. Running clubs, choirs, sports teams, evening classes and volunteering.
Events. Singles events and speed dating. Our guide to singles events and speed dating has ideas.
Through children’s activities. Some people meet other single parents this way, though it’s worth being careful about mixing dating with your children’s social lives.

Our guide to how to make friends after divorce can help if your social life has shrunk.

Using dating apps efficiently

In your forties, the biggest challenge is often time. Ways to make apps work around a busy life:

Set aside short, regular slots, rather than endless scrolling.
Be clear on your profile about what you’re looking for, and that you have children if you do.
Move to a phone or video call fairly quickly, to check you get on before giving up an evening. Our guide to video calling before meeting explains why it helps.
Plan dates around childcare, such as lunch dates, weekday evenings when children are with your ex, or short coffees.
Don’t feel you have to be on several apps at once.

Our guides to writing a dating profile, what to say on your profile after divorce and how to start a conversation on a dating app can help. Our Profile Builder can help you draft yours.

What to say about your divorce

You don’t need to explain your divorce on your profile, or on a first date. A brief, neutral mention is usually best:

“Divorced, two great kids, and ready for the next chapter.”
“Separated a couple of years ago, on good terms with my ex, and enjoying life.”

On a first date, if it comes up, a short, calm answer works well. Talking at length about your ex, or the reasons your marriage ended, can put people off. Our guide to whether to talk about your divorce on a first date has more.

Money and time

Divorce in your forties often comes with financial pressure: two households, child maintenance, and perhaps a smaller home. Dating doesn’t have to be expensive.

Choose low-cost first dates, such as coffee, walks or free events. Our guide to first date ideas has suggestions that work at any age.
Be careful with paid dating subscriptions. Check what they include and how they renew. Our guide to free vs paid dating sites explains the trade-offs.
Keep your own finances separate in a new relationship until it’s serious. Our guide to money in later-life relationships covers how couples approach this.

If you have questions about your financial settlement, child maintenance or pensions, a family solicitor, mediator or regulated financial adviser can explain your options. MoneyHelper has free, impartial guidance on money and divorce.

Your ex

In your forties, your ex may be part of your life for many years, especially if you have children. A few things to think about:

Your ex may start dating before you, or after. Either can bring up feelings. Our guide to what to do if your ex finds someone first covers this.
New partners may meet at school events, birthdays or handovers. Keeping things civil and child-focused helps everyone.
Avoid discussing your ex in detail with new partners early on. It can make them feel they’re competing with your past.

Your first relationship after divorce

Many people find their first serious relationship after divorce is intense, sometimes wonderful, and sometimes short. It can be a relief to feel wanted again. It can also bring up old patterns. A few common experiences:

Moving fast. After a lonely or difficult time, it can be tempting to commit quickly.
Comparing with your ex. Noticing what’s different, good and bad.
Old fears. Worrying about being hurt again, or repeating mistakes.
Discovering what you want. Many people learn a lot about themselves.

Our guide to your first relationship after divorce explores what to expect.

If you didn’t want the divorce

If your partner ended the marriage, dating may feel very different from how it feels to someone who chose to leave. You may still be grieving the relationship, hoping for a reconciliation, or struggling with a sense of rejection. A few things that can help:

Give yourself time to grieve. Losing a marriage you wanted to keep is a real loss, and it’s normal to feel sad, angry or numb for a while.
Notice if you’re dating to feel wanted. That’s understandable, but a new relationship started mainly to soothe rejection can be fragile.
Be cautious about rebound relationships. Moving very quickly can mean you don’t notice whether someone is right for you.
Lean on friends and family, and consider talking to a counsellor if the feelings are overwhelming.

When you do start dating, it’s fine to go slowly. A few relaxed coffees with no pressure can be a gentle way to rebuild confidence.

Rebuilding confidence

Divorce can knock your confidence, especially if the relationship ended painfully. Things that often help:

Looking after yourself: sleep, exercise, friends and things you enjoy
Doing new things, which can remind you who you are outside the marriage
Being kind to yourself about mistakes and awkward dates
Talking to someone. Counselling can help you understand what happened and move on. Your GP can tell you about NHS talking therapies, and Relate offers counselling for individuals as well as couples.

Our guide to how to feel attractive again has more ideas, many of which apply in your forties as well as later.

Staying safe

Dating safety matters at every age. Some basics:

Meet in public for the first few dates
Tell a friend where you’re going
Video call before meeting, to check someone is who they say they are
Don’t share your home address, or details about your children, too early
Never send money to someone you haven’t met

Our first date safety checklist and guide to how to spot a fake dating profile cover the details.

What’s different about dating at 40 after divorce

At 40 after divorce	What it often means
Children often still at home	Dating around childcare, and careful introductions
Busy careers	Less time, so efficient dating matters
Possibly wanting more children	An important early conversation
Friends mostly coupled up	A need to widen your social circle
Ex still closely involved	Co-parenting alongside new relationships
Lots of potential partners on apps	More choice than many people expect

Common situations

“I haven’t dated for 15 years and don’t know the rules”

Lots has changed, especially with apps. Our guide to modern dating terms explains the language, and our guide to first dates after years of marriage covers what to expect.

“My children are with me most of the time”

Dating may take more planning. Lunch dates, short coffees, video calls and help from family or trusted childcare can all help.

“I want more children and I’m 43”

Be open about it early, and consider apps that let you say what you want. The NHS has general information about fertility and age, and your GP can talk about your own situation.

“My ex has a new partner already”

That can hurt, even if you wanted the divorce. Focus on your own life and your children. Our guide to when your ex finds someone first has more.

“I keep attracting people like my ex”

That’s common, and worth noticing. Thinking about what didn’t work, perhaps with a counsellor, can help you recognise patterns.

“I’m dating someone who also has children”

Blending two families takes time. Our guide to how to blend two families covers this, and much of it applies in your forties too.

Questions to ask yourself

Am I dating because I want to, or because I feel I should?
How much time can I realistically give to dating right now?
How will I keep dating separate from my children, at least at first?
Do I want more children, and how will I raise it?
What did I learn from my marriage about what I need?
Who can I talk to if dating stirs up difficult feelings?

Frequently asked questions

How long should I wait to date after divorce at 40?

There’s no fixed rule. It depends on whether you’re emotionally ready, not on a set number of months. Some people date within months, others wait a year or more.

Should I tell my children I’m dating?

It depends on their ages. Many parents keep early dating private, and introduce a new partner only once the relationship is stable.

Where do people in their forties meet partners?

Through dating apps and websites, friends, activities and clubs, singles events and volunteering. Many people combine several approaches.

Is it harder to date at 40 with children?

It can take more planning, but many people do it successfully. Lots of people your age have children too.

What if I want more children and they don’t?

It’s best discussed early. If you can’t agree, it may be kinder to part before the relationship becomes serious.

Where can I get help with legal or money questions?

A family solicitor, mediator or regulated financial adviser can explain your options. MoneyHelper has free guidance on money and divorce, and Citizens Advice can help too.

Related guides

Sources

Office for National Statistics, Divorces in England and Wales: 2023.
Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Act 2020 (in force April 2022).
Cafcass and Relationships Scotland, parenting plans.
NHS, information on fertility and age, and NHS talking therapies.
MoneyHelper, money and divorce guidance.
Relate, counselling services.