Losing a partner is one of the hardest things anyone goes through. If your partner was the same sex as you, grief can come with extra layers. You may have been together long before you could legally marry, or never married at all. Some people lost partners who weren’t out to everyone, or whose families never fully accepted the relationship. Others had very public, celebrated relationships and still find that bereavement services, paperwork or well-meaning people make assumptions that don’t fit. And when, eventually, you think about dating again, you may be stepping into an LGBTQ+ dating world that looks very different from the one you knew.
This guide is for gay, lesbian, bisexual and other LGBTQ+ people who have lost a same-sex partner. It covers the particular kinds of grief this can bring, practical and legal points, support from people who understand, and how to approach dating again if and when you feel ready. It doesn’t give legal advice. Where those questions come up, we point you to solicitors and official sources.
General information, not legal, financial or medical or psychological advice
This guide explains how things generally work in the UK so you know what to ask. It is not advice about your situation, and Hearts Again is not a law firm, financial adviser or healthcare provider. Rules differ between England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland and can change. Before you make any decision, speak to a qualified professional:
- a solicitor, for example through the Law Society (England and Wales), the Law Society of Scotland or the Law Society of Northern Ireland, or Citizens Advice for free initial guidance
- a regulated financial adviser (check they are on the FCA Register), or MoneyHelper, the free government-backed money guidance service
- your GP, a counsellor registered with the BACP, or Samaritans on 116 123 if you are struggling
The short answer
- Your grief is as real and as deep as anyone's. Losing a same-sex partner can bring extra complications, such as family tensions or not being recognised as next of kin.
- If you were married or in a civil partnership, you have the same legal rights as any spouse or civil partner. If you weren't, the rules for unmarried partners apply, and time limits can be short.
- LGBTQ+-friendly bereavement support is available. Switchboard (0800 0119 100) offers a confidential LGBTQ+ support line, and Cruse offers bereavement support to everyone.
- Some people find grief brings back old experiences of discrimination or loss. Talking to someone who understands can help.
- There's no right time to date again. When you do, you can choose how much to share about your late partner.
- LGBTQ+ dating later in life has changed a lot. Apps, groups and events offer more options than many people expect.
Grief after losing a same-sex partner
Grief has no hierarchy. Whether you were together for two years or forty, married, in a civil partnership or neither, the loss of your partner is profound. Common feelings include:
- Shock and numbness
- Deep sadness, longing and loneliness
- Anger and guilt
- Exhaustion
- Fear about the future
Our guide to dating after bereavement covers grief and readiness in more detail.
Extra layers of grief
Some LGBTQ+ people find their grief is complicated by:
- Family who didn’t accept the relationship, and who may now take control of arrangements
- Not being recognised as next of kin by hospitals, funeral directors or institutions, especially if you weren’t married or in a civil partnership
- A relationship that wasn’t fully public, perhaps because one or both of you weren’t out to everyone, which can make it hard to grieve openly
- Assumptions, such as forms, cards and services that assume a husband and wife
- Old losses, such as friends lost during the HIV and AIDS crisis, which a new bereavement can sometimes bring back
- Isolation, especially for older LGBTQ+ people without children or close family
When grief isn’t fully recognised by others, it’s sometimes called “disenfranchised grief”. It can make a hard time harder. You deserve support, whatever anyone else’s view.
Practical and legal points
This is a general overview. The rules depend on your relationship status, where you live, whether there was a will and other circumstances. A solicitor can explain where you stand.
If you were married or in a civil partnership
Same-sex spouses and civil partners have the same legal rights as opposite-sex spouses and civil partners, including inheritance under the intestacy rules, many pension rights and bereavement benefits.
If you weren’t married or in a civil partnership
Unmarried partners, whatever their sex, have more limited rights. In England and Wales, there’s no automatic inheritance if there’s no will, though a claim may be possible under the Inheritance (Provision for Family and Dependants) Act 1975. In Scotland, a surviving cohabitant can apply to court for provision where there’s no will, but the deadline is short. Our guide to dating after losing a partner you weren’t married to explains these issues in more detail. Get legal advice quickly, as time limits apply.
If there’s conflict with your partner’s family
If your partner’s family disputes your role, for example over the funeral, belongings or the home, a solicitor can explain your rights. The executor named in a will usually has the main say over arrangements.
Benefits and pensions
Bereavement Support Payment may be available if you were married or in a civil partnership, and, since February 2023, to some unmarried cohabiting parents with dependent children. Some pension schemes pay survivor’s pensions to partners. GOV.UK, your partner’s pension scheme and Citizens Advice can help you check.
Support from people who understand
- Switchboard, the national LGBTQ+ support line: 0800 0119 100, 10am to 10pm every day. Switchboard also offers webchat and email
- Cruse Bereavement Support: 0808 808 1677 (England, Wales and Northern Ireland); Cruse Scotland: 0808 802 6161
- Local LGBTQ+ centres and groups, many of which run social groups for older people
- WAY Widowed and Young, for people whose partner died before they turned 51
- Your GP, who can tell you about NHS talking therapies
If you’re feeling overwhelmed or having thoughts of harming yourself, Samaritans are available free, any time, on 116 123.
Getting through the first year
The first year after a death is often described as a series of firsts: the first birthday, anniversary, Christmas, Pride season or holiday without them. Some people find these dates harder than the funeral. Things that can help:
- Plan ahead for the hard days. Decide in advance whether you want company, a quiet day or something completely different
- Say yes to practical help, such as meals, lifts or help sorting belongings, even if you’d usually manage alone
- Keep one or two routines that steady you, such as a morning walk or a weekly call with a friend
- Look after the basics: sleep, food, moving your body and seeing your GP if you’re struggling
- Find ways to remember your partner, such as a bench, a donation, a photo book, or a gathering of the friends who knew you both
- Put off big decisions, such as moving house, where you can
If you’re isolated
Charities that work with older LGBTQ+ people often highlight loneliness and isolation as a concern, particularly for people who live alone or don’t have children. If your partner was your main companion, the silence afterwards can be hard. Some ideas:
- Contact a local LGBTQ+ centre and ask about groups for older people
- Look for befriending services. Some areas have LGBTQ+-specific befriending schemes, and Age UK runs befriending services for older people generally
- Reconnect with friends you’ve lost touch with. A short message is enough to start
- Try one regular activity, such as a choir, walking group or class, so you see the same faces each week
Our guide to how to make friends after 50 has more ideas.
If you’re bisexual
Bisexual people who lose a same-sex partner sometimes find their grief is misunderstood, or that people make assumptions about who they’ll date next. Some feel invisible in both straight and LGBTQ+ spaces. Your identity and your loss are yours, and you don’t need to explain either. If you feel unsupported, Switchboard and LGBTQ+ centres can put you in touch with others who understand.
If your partner was trans or non-binary
If your partner was trans or non-binary, you may face extra pain if official documents, the funeral or family members don’t reflect who they were. Some people hold their own memorial, using the name and pronouns their partner used. LGBTQ+ support lines and centres can help you find support from people who understand.
Questions to ask yourself before dating
Before you start, it can help to think about a few things honestly, perhaps on paper:
- What am I hoping for? Company, a new relationship, intimacy, fun, or simply getting back out into the world?
- What would I like to be different from last time, and what would I like to be the same?
- How do I feel about being visible? For example, using a photo on an app, or dating someone in a small community where people know each other
- Who can I talk to after a date, good or bad?
- What would tell me I’m not ready yet, and that it’s fine to pause?
There are no right answers. Your answers may also change over time.
When might you be ready to date?
There’s no fixed time. Some people feel ready within a year or two. Others take much longer. Some prefer friendship and community to romance. All of these are fine. Signs you may be starting to feel ready:
- You can remember your partner with love as well as pain
- You feel curious about meeting someone, rather than needing to fill a gap
- You have support around you
- You can imagine enjoying someone’s company without feeling disloyal
Our guides to how to know you’re ready to date again and feeling guilty about dating after losing your partner may help.
Dating again as an LGBTQ+ person later in life
If you were with your partner for a long time, LGBTQ+ dating may look very different now. There are more apps, more groups and more openness than in previous decades, though some people find dating apps feel youth-focused or overwhelming at first.
Where people meet
- Dating apps and websites, both general and LGBTQ+-specific. Our guides to gay dating after 50 and lesbian dating after 50 look at options in detail
- LGBTQ+ social groups, including groups for older people
- Choirs, sports clubs and walking groups, many of which are LGBTQ+-specific or inclusive
- Pride events and community festivals
- Friends and community introductions
Our guide to how to make friends after 50 has more ideas for building a social life.
Your profile
- Use recent photos, including a clear smiling face photo
- Mention your loss briefly, if you want to: “I lost my partner a few years ago, and I’m ready to enjoy some company again”
- Be clear about what you’re looking for: friendship, companionship, a relationship or something more casual
- Say what you enjoy now, so people have something to message about
Our guides to what to say on your dating profile after bereavement, dating profile examples for widows and widowers, and our Profile Builder, can help.
Dating someone who has never been bereaved
Some people find it easier to date someone who has also lost a partner, because they understand without explanation. Others prefer someone without that history. Neither is better. If you date someone who hasn’t been bereaved, they may not know what to say at first. It can help to tell them simply what you’d like, for example: “It’s fine to ask about him,” or “I’d rather talk about her another time.” Most people appreciate the guidance.
Talking about your late partner
You can choose how much to share, and when. Many people find a short, warm mention works well on early dates, with more shared as trust grows. Our guide to talking about your late partner on early dates has more.
If you’re not out to everyone
Some people who lost a partner were never fully out, or are now considering coming out more widely. That’s a personal decision, with no right timetable. Think about your safety and privacy, especially online. Our guides to gay dating after 50 and lesbian dating after 50 include sections on coming out later in life.
Staying safe
Dating safety matters for everyone. A few points that may be particularly relevant:
- Be wary of romance scams. Scammers target people who are bereaved and living alone. Never send money to someone you haven’t met in person
- Protect your privacy, particularly if you’re not out to everyone. Be careful what you share on profiles and in early messages
- Video call before meeting, and meet in public
- Tell a friend where you’re going
Our guides to dating app scams targeting over-50s, how to spot a fake dating profile and our first date safety checklist cover the details. If you experience abuse or threats because of your sexuality, Galop offers support for LGBTQ+ people affected by abuse and violence.
Family and friends
Your late partner’s family, and your own, may react in many ways to you dating again. Some will be supportive. Others may struggle, especially if they were close to your partner, or never fully accepted your relationship. Things that often help:
- Tell people you trust first
- Take your time introducing a new partner
- Lean on chosen family, the friends and community who’ve supported you
Our guide to telling friends, family and your late spouse’s family that you’re dating again covers this in more detail.
Common situations
“His family took over the funeral and left me out”
That’s deeply painful. You may want to hold your own memorial with friends. If there are disputes about the estate or belongings, a solicitor can explain your position.
“We were together 30 years before we could marry”
Many couples were. If you married or formed a civil partnership, you have full rights as a spouse or civil partner. If you didn’t, the rules for unmarried partners apply.
“I feel too old for the gay dating scene”
That’s a common worry. Many LGBTQ+ people date in their fifties, sixties and beyond, and there are groups and services aimed at older people.
“Grief has brought back memories of friends I lost years ago”
That’s understandable. Talking to a counsellor or a support line such as Switchboard may help.
“I’ve met someone, but I feel guilty”
Guilt is very common after any bereavement. It often eases with time. Our guide to feeling guilty about dating after losing your partner may help.
Frequently asked questions
Do same-sex spouses have the same rights after a partner dies?
Yes. Same-sex spouses and civil partners have the same legal rights as opposite-sex spouses and civil partners.
What if we weren’t married or in a civil partnership?
The rules for unmarried partners apply. Rights are more limited and time limits for claims can be short, so get legal advice quickly.
Where can I find LGBTQ+-friendly bereavement support?
Switchboard (0800 0119 100) offers a confidential LGBTQ+ support line, and Cruse offers bereavement support to everyone. Local LGBTQ+ centres may run support groups.
How long should I wait before dating again?
There’s no rule. It depends on when you feel ready.
Where do older LGBTQ+ people meet partners?
Through dating apps and websites, LGBTQ+ social groups, choirs, sports clubs, community events and friends.
How do I talk about my late partner on dates?
Briefly and warmly at first, sharing more as you get to know someone.
Related guides
- Bisexual dating after 50 in the UK
- Gay dating after 50 in the UK
- Lesbian dating after 50 in the UK
- Dating after bereavement: when is the right time?
- Dating after losing a partner you weren’t married to
- Feeling guilty about dating after losing your partner
- Dating after a sudden bereavement
Sources
- Switchboard, national LGBTQ+ support line.
- Cruse Bereavement Support; WAY Widowed and Young; Samaritans; Galop.
- Inheritance (Provision for Family and Dependants) Act 1975; Family Law (Scotland) Act 2006; GOV.UK bereavement benefits.