Most dating advice about affairs is written for the person who was cheated on. But many people who start dating again later in life are on the other side of that story. Perhaps you had an affair that ended your marriage. Perhaps you left your spouse for someone else, and that relationship didn’t last. Or perhaps the affair was years ago, the marriage limped on, and it eventually ended anyway. Whatever happened, you may now be single, carrying guilt, shame or regret, and wondering whether you deserve a fresh start, and how to be honest with someone new.
This guide is for people who had an affair and are now thinking about dating again. It isn’t here to judge you, or to excuse what happened. It covers making sense of the past, dealing with guilt, how your family and friends may react, what and when to tell a new partner, how to build a relationship based on trust, and where to get support. If you’re the person whose partner had an affair, our guide to dating after your spouse had an affair is written for you.
General information, not medical or psychological or legal advice
This guide explains how things generally work in the UK so you know what to ask. It is not advice about your situation, and Hearts Again is not a law firm, financial adviser or healthcare provider. Rules differ between England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland and can change. Before you make any decision, speak to a qualified professional:
- your GP, a counsellor registered with the BACP, or Samaritans on 116 123 if you are struggling
- a family law solicitor, for example a member of Resolution, or an accredited mediator through the Family Mediation Council (Scotland: Relationships Scotland)
The short answer
- Many people who had an affair go on to form honest, lasting relationships. Your past doesn't have to define your future.
- It helps to understand why the affair happened, so you can make different choices. A counsellor can help with this.
- Guilt is understandable, but long-term self-punishment rarely helps anyone. Taking responsibility and learning from it is more useful.
- You don't have to share your history on a first date, but it's usually wise to be honest as a relationship becomes serious.
- Your ex, children and friends may still be hurt or angry. Be patient, and don't expect them to welcome a new partner quickly.
- If you're dating the person you had the affair with, the relationship may face particular pressures. Take things carefully.
Different situations, different feelings
People who’ve had an affair come to dating from very different places. You might be:
- Recently separated, after your spouse found out about an affair
- Divorced, with the affair as one part of a marriage that was already struggling
- Single again after leaving your marriage for an affair partner, then breaking up with them
- Still with the affair partner, now trying to build a “proper” relationship in the open
- Widowed or divorced long ago, carrying guilt about an affair your late partner or ex may or may not have known about
Each brings its own feelings. Some people feel relief that a long secret is over. Others feel intense guilt or grief for the marriage they ended. Many feel a mix of emotions that changes from day to day.
Understanding why it happened
Before dating again, it can help to take an honest look at why the affair happened. This isn’t about making excuses or blaming your ex. It’s about understanding yourself well enough to avoid repeating the same pattern.
People who’ve had affairs often describe things like:
- Feeling lonely or unseen in their marriage
- A long period of conflict, distance or a sexless relationship
- A big life change, such as children leaving home, retirement, illness or bereavement
- Seeking excitement or validation, perhaps around a milestone birthday
- Avoiding difficult conversations, rather than addressing problems directly
- An opportunity that grew gradually, from friendship into something more
Some people realise that they find conflict hard, or tend to look outside a relationship when things get difficult. Others realise the marriage had ended emotionally long before the affair. Understanding the pattern gives you a chance to do things differently.
Questions you might ask yourself include:
- What was I looking for that I didn’t feel I had?
- Did I try to talk about it with my partner? If not, why not?
- What would I do differently if I felt that way again?
- What have I learned about what I need in a relationship?
A counsellor can help you explore these questions. Relate, Relationships Scotland and Relate NI offer counselling for individuals as well as couples.
Dealing with guilt and shame
Guilt can be a healthy response. It shows that you care about the hurt you caused, and it can motivate you to make amends and change. Shame is different. It’s the feeling that you’re a bad person, rather than someone who did something wrong. Shame can keep people stuck.
Some people punish themselves for years, believing they don’t deserve happiness. Others swing the other way, insisting they did nothing wrong. Neither tends to help.
It may help to:
- Take responsibility for your choices, without blaming your ex or the affair partner
- Apologise, if appropriate and if it won’t cause more harm. An apology doesn’t need to be accepted to be meaningful
- Make amends where you can, for example by being fair and generous in a divorce settlement, or supportive to your children
- Accept that you can’t control how others feel about you
- Talk to someone, such as a counsellor, a trusted friend or a faith leader if that’s important to you
If guilt or low mood is affecting your sleep, work or wellbeing, speak to your GP. You can also contact Samaritans on 116 123, free and 24 hours, if you’re struggling to cope.
If the affair is long in the past
Some people had an affair many years ago. The marriage may have survived for a long time afterwards, ended for other reasons, or ended with the death of a spouse. Others have never told anyone. Old affairs can still affect how you feel about dating now.
You might find that:
- Guilt resurfaces when you start a new relationship, especially if your late spouse never knew
- You worry about being found out, for example if mutual friends know
- You question whether you’re capable of being faithful, even if you’ve been loyal for decades since
If the affair is long in the past, you may decide it’s not something you need to share with a new partner, or only in general terms. That’s a personal choice. What matters most is that you’ve reflected on it and feel able to be honest in your new relationship. If an old secret is weighing heavily on you, a counsellor can help you work through it.
What tends not to help
People coming out of an affair sometimes fall into patterns that make it harder to move forward. These include:
- Rushing into a new relationship to escape guilt or loneliness
- Blaming your ex entirely, which can stop you learning from what happened
- Keeping secrets in a new relationship, even small ones, which can recreate the old pattern
- Seeking constant reassurance from new partners that you’re a good person
- Cutting yourself off from friends out of shame, which can increase loneliness
Noticing these patterns is the first step to changing them.
Are you ready to date?
There’s no fixed time to wait. But it’s worth asking yourself:
- Have you ended things properly with your spouse, and with the affair partner if that relationship is over?
- Are you looking for a relationship, or trying to escape guilt or loneliness?
- Have you thought about why the affair happened, and what you’d do differently?
- Are your practical affairs in order, such as separation arrangements?
- Are your children coping?
Some people date soon after a marriage ends. Others take time to be single and reflect. Our guide to how long to wait to date after a separation looks at timing in more depth, and are you ready to date again? has questions to help you decide.
If you’re still legally married, our guide to dating before your divorce is final covers the practical and emotional side.
Your ex, your children and your friends
An affair often affects many people beyond the couple. When you start dating again, some of them may still be hurting.
Your ex
Your ex may be angry, grieving or struggling to trust anyone. Seeing you date, especially if it’s soon after the separation, can reopen wounds. You can’t control how they feel, but you can:
- Be discreet, especially on social media
- Avoid flaunting a new relationship, particularly in shared social circles
- Keep communication about children and practical matters calm and respectful
Your children
Adult children may feel protective of their other parent, angry with you, or confused about the past. Younger children may be dealing with big changes at home. Children’s reactions often soften over time, but it can take years.
It may help to:
- Acknowledge the hurt, without asking them to take sides
- Avoid oversharing details of the affair or your new relationships
- Introduce a new partner slowly, and only when the relationship is serious
- Respect their feelings, even if you think they’re unfair
Our guides to introducing a new partner to your children and when adult children disapprove may help.
Friends and family
Some friends may side with your ex, especially mutual friends. You may lose some friendships, which can be painful. Others may be supportive. Try not to pressure people to choose. Over time, you may find your social circle shifts. Our guide to making friends after divorce has ideas for building new connections.
If you’re dating the affair partner
Some people go on to build a relationship with the person they had an affair with. Some of these relationships last. Others struggle once the secrecy is gone and everyday life takes over.
Things that can put pressure on these relationships include:
- The loss of excitement that secrecy sometimes creates
- Guilt, which can surface as resentment or tension
- Disapproval from children, family and friends
- Trust issues, since both of you know the other was capable of an affair
- Practical strain, such as divorce proceedings, money and housing
It may help to:
- Take things slowly, rather than rushing to move in or marry
- Talk openly about trust, guilt and the past
- Give family members time to adjust, without forcing introductions
- Consider counselling together, to work through what happened and build a stronger foundation
Should you tell a new partner about the affair?
This is one of the biggest questions. There’s no rule that says you must share your history on a first date, and it usually isn’t wise to. But if the relationship becomes serious, many people find it’s better to be honest.
Why honesty often helps
- It’s part of your story, and may come out anyway, for example through mutual friends or your children
- Being open shows you’ve reflected and taken responsibility
- It allows your partner to make an informed choice
- Secrets can create anxiety, which can damage a new relationship
When to share
Many people choose to share once:
- The relationship is becoming exclusive
- They feel trust developing
- The subject of past relationships comes up naturally, such as why your marriage ended
Avoid sharing in the middle of a disagreement, or as a sudden confession late at night.
How to share
It may help to:
- Be honest, but not graphic. You don’t need to share every detail
- Take responsibility, rather than blaming your ex
- Explain what you’ve learned, and how you’d handle things differently
- Allow your partner to react, and give them time
- Answer questions honestly, within reason
You might say something like:
- “I want to be honest with you about why my marriage ended. I had an affair. I’m not proud of it, and I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about why it happened. I’m telling you because I want us to be honest with each other.”
How partners may react
Some partners will appreciate your honesty and want to understand more. Others may feel uneasy, worry you might do it again, or decide the relationship isn’t for them. That’s their choice. If they’ve been cheated on themselves, it may bring up painful memories. Our guide to rebuilding trust after betrayal may help both of you.
Building trust in a new relationship
If you’ve had an affair, you may need to work a little harder to build trust, and to trust yourself. It may help to:
- Be consistent and reliable, so your words and actions match
- Be open about where you are and who you’re with, without your partner having to ask
- Avoid situations that worry your partner, at least early on
- Talk about problems as they arise, rather than letting them build up
- Notice your own warning signs, such as feeling distant, bored or tempted, and talk about them early
Healthy communication is one of the best protections against repeating old patterns. Our guide to communication in a new relationship looks at this in more depth.
Your online dating profile
You don’t need to mention an affair in your profile. Focus on who you are now and what you’re looking for. If you describe your relationship status, be accurate, for example “separated” or “divorced”. Avoid suggesting you were blameless if that’s not true, for example by describing your ex in negative terms.
Our guides to dating profile examples after divorce and common dating profile mistakes have tips for writing a positive profile.
When others judge you
Some people you date, or meet socially, may judge you if they learn about the affair. That can hurt. It may help to:
- Accept that some people will disapprove, and you can’t change that
- Focus on how you behave now
- Spend time with people who see you as a whole person, not just one chapter of your life
Is it possible to change?
Many people who had an affair go on to have faithful, loving relationships. Change usually comes from understanding why it happened, being honest with yourself and others, and choosing different behaviour when difficulties arise. If you’re worried you might repeat a pattern, counselling can help you understand it.
Common situations
“I left my wife for someone else, and now that’s over too”
That’s common. Give yourself time to grieve both relationships and reflect before dating again.
“My children won’t speak to me since the affair”
That’s very painful. Keep the door open, apologise if appropriate, and give them time. A family therapist may help.
“Should I tell my new partner I cheated?”
Many people find it’s best to be honest once a relationship becomes serious.
“My new partner was cheated on by her ex”
Be honest, patient and understanding. Your history may be hard for her to hear.
“I still feel guilty years later”
Talking to a counsellor can help you work through guilt and move forward.
Frequently asked questions
Can I date after having an affair?
Yes. Many people do. It helps to reflect on what happened and take responsibility first.
Do I have to tell a new partner?
You don’t have to on early dates. Many people share as a relationship becomes serious.
Will people judge me?
Some may. Focus on how you behave now, and spend time with people who see you as a whole person.
Can relationships that start as affairs last?
Some do. Others struggle once the secrecy is gone. Taking things slowly and getting support can help.
Where can I get support?
Relate, Relationships Scotland, Relate NI, your GP or a private counsellor.