Controlling behaviour doesn’t always look like abuse at first. In a new relationship, it can look like attention, devotion or concern. A new partner who wants to know where you are all the time can seem caring. One who doesn’t like your friends might seem protective. One who takes over your finances might seem helpful. But over time, these behaviours can add up to a pattern that leaves you isolated, anxious and afraid, and feeling as though you’ve lost yourself.
That pattern is often called coercive control. It’s a form of domestic abuse, and it’s a criminal offence in England and Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland. It can happen at any age, including in relationships that begin later in life. This guide explains what controlling behaviour and coercive control look like, why they can be harder to spot later in life, what the law says in general terms, and where to get help. It doesn’t give legal advice. If you’re worried about your safety, please contact a domestic abuse helpline, or call 999 in an emergency.
General information, not legal, medical or psychological or financial advice
This guide explains how things generally work in the UK so you know what to ask. It is not advice about your situation, and Hearts Again is not a law firm, financial adviser or healthcare provider. Rules differ between England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland and can change. Before you make any decision, speak to a qualified professional:
- a solicitor, for example through the Law Society (England and Wales), the Law Society of Scotland or the Law Society of Northern Ireland, or Citizens Advice for free initial guidance
- your GP, a counsellor registered with the BACP, or Samaritans on 116 123 if you are struggling
- a regulated financial adviser (check they are on the FCA Register), or MoneyHelper, the free government-backed money guidance service
The short answer
- Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour that harms, frightens, isolates or controls a partner. It can include monitoring, threats, humiliation, financial control and cutting you off from others.
- It's a criminal offence across the UK, under separate laws in England and Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland.
- It can happen at any age. Later in life, it may involve control over money, property, health or contact with family.
- Early warning signs can look like intense attention or concern. What matters is the pattern, and whether you feel free to make your own choices.
- If you're worried, you can talk to a helpline confidentially. You don't have to be sure it's abuse, or ready to leave, to ask for help.
- In an emergency, call 999. If you can't speak, the Silent Solution lets you press 55 on a mobile when prompted to be put through to police.
What coercive control is
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour, rather than a single incident. It’s used to dominate, intimidate or control a partner. It may or may not include physical violence. Many people who’ve experienced it say the psychological effects were as harmful as any physical abuse.
Behaviours can include:
- Monitoring your phone, messages, emails, location or spending
- Isolating you from friends and family, or making it difficult to see them
- Controlling money, for example by taking over your accounts, limiting your access to cash or running up debts in your name
- Putting you down, humiliating you or making you feel worthless
- Threats, including threats to hurt you, themselves, your pets or people you love
- Jealousy and accusations, such as constantly accusing you of cheating
- Making rules about what you can wear, who you can see or where you can go
- Gaslighting, making you doubt your memory, perception or sanity
- Controlling your health care, for example interfering with medication or appointments
Each behaviour on its own might seem minor or explainable. Together, they can create a situation in which you feel you have to change your behaviour to avoid upsetting the other person.
Why it can be harder to spot in a new relationship
Coercive control often starts slowly. At the beginning of a relationship, it can be hard to tell the difference between someone who’s keen and someone who’s controlling.
Early behaviours can include:
- Love bombing, with intense flattery, gifts and declarations of love very early on
- Wanting to spend all their time with you, and seeming hurt when you see others
- Moving very quickly, for example pushing to move in or marry within weeks or months
- Asking where you are, presented as worry or care
- Criticising your friends or family, saying they don’t have your best interests at heart
- Sulking or becoming angry when you make plans without them
Our guide to red flags in a new relationship covers early warning signs in more detail, and our guide to jealousy in a new relationship looks at when jealousy becomes a problem.
Coercive control later in life
Coercive control can happen at any age. Later in life, it can take particular forms.
Money and property
People over 50 may have homes, savings, pensions or inheritances. Controlling behaviour may include:
- Pressuring you to add their name to your home or bank account
- Taking over your finances, presented as “helping”
- Pressuring you to change your will, or lend or give money
- Discouraging you from taking independent financial or legal advice
- Limiting your access to your own money
Economic abuse is recognised as a form of domestic abuse. The charity Surviving Economic Abuse has information about it. Our guide to money in later-life relationships has more on keeping your finances safe.
Family and grandchildren
A controlling partner may try to come between you and your children or grandchildren, for example by:
- Criticising your family, or making visits difficult
- Claiming your family is against them, or after your money
- Making you feel guilty for spending time with them
It can be hard to tell the difference between this and genuine tension with adult children. Our guide to when adult children disapprove looks at family tensions, but if a partner is consistently cutting you off from family, that’s a warning sign.
Health and care
If you or your partner have health issues, controlling behaviour may include:
- Interfering with medication or appointments
- Making decisions about your care without your agreement
- Using your health as a reason to keep you at home or away from others
- Threatening to leave you without support
After a bereavement or divorce
People who are newly single after a long marriage may be more vulnerable to controlling partners, especially if they’re lonely or grieving. You may not have dated for decades, and modern controlling behaviours, such as tracking apps, may be unfamiliar.
How coercive control can feel
Coercive control can be hard to recognise from the inside. People often describe:
- Walking on eggshells, constantly anxious about upsetting their partner
- Feeling confused, doubting their own memory or judgement
- Feeling isolated, with fewer friends and less contact with family
- Losing confidence, feeling they can’t make decisions alone
- Making excuses for their partner’s behaviour to others
- Feeling they’re to blame
- Feeling afraid, even without physical violence
If you recognise these feelings, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re experiencing coercive control, but it’s worth talking to someone you trust or a helpline.
Controlling behaviour or relationship problems?
All relationships have difficulties. Couples argue, feel jealous at times and sometimes behave badly. The difference with coercive control is that it’s a pattern of behaviour used to control or dominate one person.
| Healthy or difficult relationship | Possible coercive control |
|---|---|
| Disagreements happen, and both people can say what they think | One person is afraid to disagree |
| Both partners see friends and family | One partner discourages or prevents contact |
| Money is discussed, and both have access to their own funds | One partner controls money or access to it |
| Jealousy is occasional and talked about | Jealousy is constant and used to justify monitoring |
| Both partners make decisions | One partner makes most decisions and punishes disagreement |
| Apologies lead to change | Apologies are followed by the same behaviour |
If you’re unsure, a helpline can talk things through with you confidentially.
What the law says, in general terms
Coercive control is a criminal offence across the UK, under separate laws:
- In England and Wales, controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship became an offence under the Serious Crime Act 2015. The law was later extended so that it can also apply to former partners, whether or not they live together
- In Scotland, the Domestic Abuse (Scotland) Act 2018 created an offence of engaging in a course of behaviour that is abusive of a partner or ex-partner, including psychological abuse and coercive control
- In Northern Ireland, the Domestic Abuse and Civil Proceedings Act (Northern Ireland) 2021 created a domestic abuse offence that includes controlling or coercive behaviour
This is a general overview. If you want to know how the law applies to your situation, speak to a domestic abuse service, the police or a solicitor.
Checking a partner’s history
Each part of the UK has a scheme that may allow you to ask the police whether a partner has a history of abuse:
- England and Wales: the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme, often called Clare’s Law
- Scotland: the Disclosure Scheme for Domestic Abuse Scotland
- Northern Ireland: the Domestic Violence and Abuse Disclosure Scheme
The police decide whether to share information. Our guide to red flags in a new relationship explains more.
If you’re worried about your relationship
You don’t have to be certain it’s abuse, or ready to leave, to get help. You might:
- Talk to someone you trust, such as a friend or family member
- Call a helpline, which can listen, give information and help you think about your options
- Keep a record of incidents, if it’s safe to do so, for example dates and what happened
- Protect your finances, for example by keeping your own bank account and important documents safe
- Think about your safety, including a plan for what you’d do in an emergency
Staying safe online
If you think your partner may be monitoring your phone or computer:
- Use a device they don’t have access to, such as a friend’s phone or a library computer, to look for help
- Check location sharing settings on your phone
- Be aware that clearing your browser history may itself raise suspicion
- Ask a helpline for advice on staying safe online
Refuge has information on tech safety.
Why people stay
People who haven’t experienced coercive control sometimes ask, “Why don’t they just leave?” The answer is rarely simple. People stay for many reasons, including:
- Fear of what their partner might do
- Love, and hope that their partner will change
- Shame or embarrassment, especially if family or friends warned them
- Financial dependence, or fear of losing their home
- Isolation, having lost contact with people who might help
- Health or care needs, if they rely on their partner for support
- Confusion, after a long period of being told they’re the problem
If you’re in this situation, you’re not weak or foolish. Controlling behaviour is designed to make leaving feel impossible. Helplines understand this and won’t judge you.
Leaving a controlling relationship
Leaving can be the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. If you’re thinking about leaving, it’s important to get advice and plan for your safety. Helplines can help you make a safety plan, find a refuge or emergency accommodation, and understand your legal options, such as protective orders.
Leaving can also be practically complicated later in life, especially if you live in a home owned by your partner, or if your finances are intertwined. Get advice from a domestic abuse service and, if appropriate, a solicitor.
Where to get help
- National Domestic Abuse Helpline (England), run by Refuge: 0808 2000 247, free and 24 hours
- Live Fear Free (Wales): 0808 80 10 800
- Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline: 0800 027 1234
- Domestic and Sexual Abuse Helpline (Northern Ireland): 0808 802 1414, 24 hours
- Men’s Advice Line (Respect): 0808 801 0327, for men experiencing domestic abuse
- Hourglass: 0808 808 8141, 24 hours, for older people experiencing or at risk of abuse
- Galop, for LGBTQ+ people experiencing abuse
- Surviving Economic Abuse, for information on financial control
- In an emergency, call 999. If you can’t speak, the Silent Solution lets you press 55 on a mobile when prompted, to be put through to police
If you’re worried about your own behaviour, the Respect Phoneline offers confidential support for people who want to stop being abusive.
Dating again after a controlling relationship
If you’ve left a controlling relationship, dating again can feel daunting. You might worry about missing the signs again, or find it hard to trust your own judgement. It may help to:
- Take your time. There’s no rush to date again
- Get support, from a counsellor or a domestic abuse service, to help you recover
- Notice early behaviours, such as pressure, jealousy or attempts to isolate you
- Keep your independence, including your own friends, money and routines
- Trust your instincts. If something feels wrong, it’s fine to step back
Our guides to green flags in a new relationship and rebuilding trust after betrayal may help you recognise healthy relationships.
If you’re worried about a friend or relative
If you think someone you care about is in a controlling relationship, it may help to:
- Stay in touch, even if contact becomes difficult
- Listen without judging, and avoid criticising their partner directly, which can push them away
- Let them know you’re there, whatever they decide
- Share information about helplines, discreetly
- Call 999 if you think they’re in immediate danger
Hourglass can also advise people who are worried about an older person.
Common situations
“He tracks my phone, but says it’s for my safety”
Location sharing can be agreed between partners. But if you feel you can’t turn it off, or you’re questioned about where you’ve been, that’s a warning sign.
“She doesn’t like me seeing my daughter”
Occasional tension can happen. Consistently being discouraged from seeing family is a red flag.
“He’s taken over our finances and I don’t know what’s in our account”
Losing access to information about your own money can be a sign of economic abuse. A helpline or Surviving Economic Abuse can help.
“I’m not sure if it’s abuse”
You don’t need to be sure. A helpline can talk it through with you.
“I’m worried about leaving because the house is his”
Leaving can be complicated. A domestic abuse service can help you plan safely and understand your options.
Frequently asked questions
What is coercive control?
A pattern of behaviour used to control, isolate, frighten or dominate a partner.
Is coercive control a crime?
Yes, across the UK, under separate laws in England and Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland.
Can it happen to older people?
Yes. It can happen at any age, including in relationships that begin later in life.
Can I check if a new partner has a history of abuse?
Disclosure schemes in each part of the UK may allow you to ask the police.
Where can I get help?
Contact a domestic abuse helpline, Hourglass for older people, or call 999 in an emergency.
Related guides
- Red flags in a new relationship after 50
- Green flags in a new relationship after 50
- Jealousy in a new relationship
- Money in later-life relationships
- Dating while still living with your ex
- First date safety
Sources
- Serious Crime Act 2015, section 76 (England and Wales), as amended.
- Domestic Abuse (Scotland) Act 2018.
- Domestic Abuse and Civil Proceedings Act (Northern Ireland) 2021.
- Refuge; Live Fear Free; Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline; Domestic and Sexual Abuse Helpline (NI); Respect; Hourglass; Galop; Surviving Economic Abuse.