Feeling Guilty About Dating After Losing Your Partner

You’ve started to think about meeting someone new, and with it comes a wave of guilt. Is it disloyal? What would they think? What will other people say? If this is how you feel, you’re far from alone. Guilt is one of the most common emotions widowed people describe when they think about dating again.

Why guilt shows up

Guilt after bereavement can come from many places:

• Loyalty. You made a commitment, and it can feel as though dating breaks it.
• Enjoying yourself. Laughing or feeling attracted to someone can feel “wrong” while you’re still grieving.
• Other people’s views. Worrying what family, friends or your late partner’s relatives will think.
• Comparison. Feeling guilty for noticing ways a new person is different, better or worse.
• Unfinished grief. Sometimes guilt is a sign that grief still needs more time.

Love isn’t a fixed amount

Many people find it helpful to remember that love isn’t a limited supply you have to take from one person to give to another. You can go on loving the person you lost while making room for someone new. Plenty of widowed people describe their new relationship as something different, not a replacement.

Things that often help

• Ask yourself what your partner would have wanted. Many people realise their partner would not have wanted them to be lonely.
• Talk about it. With a trusted friend, a family member, or other widowed people who understand.
• Go at your own pace. Friendship, conversation and coffee are all fine first steps. There’s no need to rush.
• Keep your memories. A new relationship doesn’t mean removing photos or never mentioning your partner. A kind new partner will understand that your past is part of you.
• Notice the guilt without obeying it. Feeling guilty isn’t the same as being guilty. Emotions can pass without you having to act on them.

Dealing with other people’s reactions

Some people may say it’s “too soon”. Others will be delighted. Their opinions reflect their own feelings, often their own grief, as much as yours. You don’t need anyone’s permission, but it can help to tell close family yourself, and to reassure them that a new relationship doesn’t erase the person they loved too.

Dating someone who is also widowed

Some people find it easier to date another widow or widower, who may understand the mixed feelings without explanation. Others prefer someone without that shared experience. Neither is better. It depends what feels right for you.

When guilt is a signal to wait

If guilt is so strong that you can’t enjoy a date at all, or dating makes your grief feel much worse, it may be a sign you need a little more time. That’s fine. You can always come back to it.

When you do feel ready, our guide to dating after bereavement covers practical first steps, and our safety guide explains how to spot scammers who target widowed people.

This guide is general information, not medical or psychological advice.