You love each other, you enjoy your time together, and the relationship feels right. But when the conversation turns to the future, you realise you want different things. One of you would like to marry, or at least live together as a committed couple. The other is happy with companionship: regular time together, perhaps holidays and shared weekends, but no wedding, no shared home and no merging of lives.
This is one of the most common differences in later-life relationships. It’s not a sign that one person loves the other less. Often, it comes from very different histories: one person may have had a happy marriage and want that again, while the other went through a painful divorce and never wants to marry again. This guide explores why people want different things, how to talk about it, the middle-ground options, and how to decide what’s right for you, including if you’re the one who never wants to marry again.
The short answer
- Wanting marriage and wanting companionship are both valid. Neither is more committed or loving by default.
- Differences often come from past experiences, family, money, independence and what marriage means to each person.
- Talk about what marriage or commitment actually means to each of you. Often the underlying needs overlap more than the labels suggest.
- Middle-ground options include living apart together, living together without marrying, a commitment ceremony, or formal legal protections without marriage.
- If the difference is fundamental and neither can compromise, it may be kinder to accept that you want different things.
- If you never want to marry again, be honest early, so partners can make an informed choice.
Why later-life couples often want different things
Past marriages
People’s experiences of marriage shape what they want next. Someone who had a long, happy marriage, perhaps ended by bereavement, may want to marry again because marriage represents love, security and belonging. Someone whose marriage ended in a bitter divorce may associate marriage with conflict, loss and legal battles.
Independence
After years of living alone, many people value their independence: their own home, routines, money and friendships. Marriage, or even living together, can feel like giving that up.
Family
Adult children may have strong feelings about a parent remarrying, particularly around inheritance and the family home. Some people avoid marriage to keep the peace, or to protect children’s inheritance.
Money, pensions and benefits
Marriage can affect survivor pensions, inheritance, benefits and tax. For example, some widowed people would lose a survivor pension from a late spouse’s scheme if they remarried. Our guide to what happens to your pension if you remarry explains the rules.
Religious and cultural beliefs
For some people, marriage is an important religious or cultural commitment, and living together without marrying doesn’t feel right. For others, marriage has little significance.
What marriage means
For some, marriage is the ultimate expression of commitment. For others, it’s a legal contract that makes little difference to how they feel. These differing meanings are often at the heart of disagreements.
Care and the future
Some people want marriage partly for security: knowing their partner will be recognised as next of kin, will have rights if one becomes ill, and will be provided for after death. Others worry about becoming a carer, or being cared for, and prefer to keep some separation.
How to talk about it
Start with what it means to each of you
Rather than debating whether to marry, explore what marriage or companionship means to each of you. Useful questions include:
- “What does marriage represent for you?”
- “What would you feel was missing if we didn’t marry?”
- “What worries you about getting married again?”
- “What would make you feel secure in our relationship?”
- “How do you see our lives in five or ten years?”
You may find that the underlying needs are closer than they seem. For example, the partner who wants marriage may mainly want security and public recognition. The partner who wants companionship may mainly want to protect their independence and their children’s inheritance. There may be ways to meet both needs.
Listen without trying to win
This isn’t a debate. The aim is to understand each other. Listen to the reasons, and try not to dismiss them.
Be honest about how firm your position is
Is your wish to marry, or not to marry, a strong preference or an absolute? Would you be happy in the relationship long term if things stayed as they are? Honesty now saves heartache later.
Choose the right time
Avoid having the conversation during an argument, a family occasion or a stressful period. Choose a calm moment, perhaps on a walk.
Middle-ground options
Marriage and “just companionship” aren’t the only two choices. Many later-life couples find a form of commitment that works for both.
Living apart together
You’re a committed couple, but keep your own homes. You might spend weekends together, holiday together and support each other, while retaining independence and keeping finances and property separate. This is increasingly common among later-life couples. Our guide to living apart together after 50 covers it in depth.
Living together without marrying
You share a home, but don’t marry. This can offer day-to-day companionship without some of the legal and financial consequences of marriage. But in England and Wales, unmarried couples have far fewer automatic rights, so legal protections matter. Our guide to moving in or buying a home together after 50 explains what to put in place.
A civil partnership
Since 2019, opposite-sex couples in England and Wales have been able to form a civil partnership, and similar changes followed in Scotland and Northern Ireland. For most legal purposes, civil partners have the same rights as married couples, including inheritance and tax. Some people who dislike the traditions or religious associations of marriage prefer a civil partnership. But it has the same legal effects, including on wills and survivor pensions, so it doesn’t solve concerns about those.
A commitment ceremony
Some couples mark their relationship with a non-legal ceremony: a celebration with family and friends, exchange of rings or vows. It offers public recognition without legal marriage. It’s worth knowing that a non-legal ceremony gives no legal rights.
Legal protections without marriage
If one partner wants marriage mainly for security, some of that security can be achieved without marrying:
- Wills that provide for each other, perhaps through a life interest trust.
- Lasting powers of attorney, naming each other to make decisions if one loses capacity.
- Pension nominations, where schemes allow unmarried partners to benefit.
- Life insurance written in trust for each other.
- A cohabitation agreement, if living together.
- Advance statements about care wishes.
These don’t give all the rights of marriage. For example, unmarried partners don’t benefit from the Inheritance Tax spouse exemption. But they can go a long way towards security.
Agreeing to revisit
Some couples agree to stay as they are for now and revisit the question in a year or two, once they’ve spent more time together or circumstances have changed.
If you’re the one who wants to marry
It can be painful to love someone who doesn’t want to marry you. You may feel rejected, or worry that they’re not fully committed.
- Try not to take it personally. Their reluctance may be about their past, their family or their finances, not about you.
- Be clear about what you need. Is it the legal security, public recognition, religious significance, or the sense of being chosen?
- Explore alternatives that could meet those needs.
- Be honest if it’s a dealbreaker. If marriage is essential to you, it’s fair to say so, and to make a decision if your partner can’t offer it.
- Don’t pressure or give ultimatums. Pressure rarely leads to a happy marriage.
If you’re the one who wants companionship
If you’re happy as you are, or never want to marry again, it’s important to be honest, both with yourself and your partner.
- Explain your reasons. Your partner may find it easier to accept if they understand.
- Show your commitment in other ways, such as time, reliability and planning for the future together.
- Consider what you can offer, such as legal protections, living together or a commitment ceremony.
- Listen to their needs, and consider whether your position is absolute or open to change.
- Don’t string them along. If you know you’ll never marry, don’t let them believe you might.
Dating when you never want to marry again
Many people over 50, particularly after divorce, decide they never want to marry again. That’s entirely valid. It can affect dating, though, because some people you meet will want marriage.
Be clear from the start
It’s fairer to everyone to mention it early, on your profile or in the first few dates. For example: “I’m looking for a loving, committed relationship, but I don’t plan to marry again.” This helps you meet people who want the same.
What to say on a dating profile
- “Divorced and happy. Looking for companionship, fun and someone to share adventures with. Not looking to marry again.”
- “I’d love to meet someone for a committed relationship, while we both keep our own homes.”
Explain when it comes up
If someone asks why, you can share as much or as little as you like: “My divorce was very hard, and I’ve realised I’m happiest with my independence. But I’d love a close, committed relationship.”
Be open to different forms of commitment
Not wanting to marry doesn’t mean you can’t be deeply committed. Many couples in later life have long, loving relationships without marriage.
Marriage, living together and living apart: a quick comparison
| Marriage or civil partnership | Living together, not married | Living apart together | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Automatic inheritance without a will | Yes, substantial | No (England and Wales) | No |
| Inheritance Tax spouse exemption | Yes | No | No |
| Effect on existing will (England and Wales) | Revokes it, unless made in contemplation | None | None |
| Survivor pension from partner’s scheme | Often yes, subject to scheme rules | Sometimes, if scheme allows partners | Rarely |
| Effect on your survivor pension from a late spouse | May stop, depending on scheme | May stop in some schemes (cohabitation rules) | Usually not affected |
| Rights to partner’s home if you separate | Court can divide flexibly | Limited, based on ownership and intentions | Separate homes |
| Means-tested benefits | Assessed jointly | Assessed jointly | Usually assessed separately |
| Independence | Least | Middle | Most |
Our guide to marriage vs living together vs living apart after 50 explains these differences in more detail.
What commitment can look like without marriage
If you’ve agreed not to marry, it can help to talk about what commitment means for you in practical terms. Couples often include:
- Exclusivity and being clearly recognised as a couple by friends and family.
- Regular time together, such as weekends, holidays and important occasions.
- Inclusion in family life, such as Christmas, birthdays and grandchildren’s events.
- Being there in a crisis, including illness, hospital stays and family emergencies.
- Legal arrangements, such as wills, lasting powers of attorney and pension nominations naming each other.
- Planning for later life together, including what you’d each want if one of you needed care.
Writing these down, or simply saying them out loud, can reassure a partner who wanted marriage that they’re truly valued and secure. It can also help the partner who didn’t want marriage feel that their independence is respected.
Revisiting the question over time
Feelings about marriage can change. Someone who was adamant after a difficult divorce may feel differently years later, and someone who wanted marriage may become content without it. It’s healthy to revisit the conversation occasionally, without pressure. But don’t build your happiness on the hope that your partner will change their mind.
When you can’t find a middle ground
Sometimes, despite love and good intentions, the difference is fundamental. One of you needs marriage, and the other can’t offer it. In that situation:
- Take time to think. Don’t make a decision in the heat of the moment.
- Consider whether you can be happy long term with things as they are.
- Talk to someone, such as a friend or relationship counsellor. Relate offers relationship counselling, including for later-life couples.
- Accept the answer. If you realise you want different things, it may be kinder to end the relationship than to stay and feel resentful.
Ending a loving relationship because you want different things is painful. But it can also free you both to find what you need.
Common situations
“I’m widowed and would lose my late husband’s pension if I remarried.”
This is a common and legitimate concern. Check your scheme’s rules, including whether cohabitation also affects the pension. Many widowed people in this situation choose to live apart together or, where the scheme allows, live together without marrying. Talk openly with your partner about the financial reasons.
“My partner’s children don’t want us to marry.”
Adult children often worry about inheritance. Legal protections such as wills and life interest trusts can address some concerns. Our guide to protecting your children’s inheritance may help. Ultimately, the decision is yours and your partner’s.
“He says he’ll never marry again, but I thought he might change his mind.”
Take people at their word. If he’s said clearly that he won’t marry, it’s unwise to rely on him changing. Decide whether you can be happy without marriage.
“We’re happy living apart, but my family keeps asking when we’ll marry.”
It’s your relationship. You can say simply: “We’re very happy as we are, and we’re committed to each other.”
“I want the security of marriage in case one of us gets ill.”
Lasting powers of attorney, wills and advance statements can provide much of this security without marriage. Talk to a solicitor.
The bottom line
When one partner wants marriage and the other wants companionship, neither is wrong. Differences often come from past marriages, independence, family, money and what marriage means to each person. Talk about what each of you really needs, and explore middle-ground options such as living apart together, living together without marrying, a civil partnership, a commitment ceremony or legal protections without marriage. If you never want to marry again, say so early. And if the difference is truly fundamental, it may be kinder to accept that you want different things.
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal for older couples not to marry?
Yes. Many later-life couples choose to live together without marrying or to live apart together, for reasons including independence, family, money and pensions.
Can a relationship be serious without marriage?
Absolutely. Commitment is shown in how you treat each other, not only in whether you marry.
What rights do we have if we don’t marry?
In England and Wales, unmarried couples have far fewer automatic rights. Wills, cohabitation agreements and lasting powers of attorney can provide protection.
Should I tell dates I don’t want to marry again?
Yes, early on. It helps you meet people who want the same thing.
What if my partner changes their mind about marriage?
People sometimes do, but it’s unwise to rely on it. Make decisions based on what they tell you now.
Is a civil partnership different from marriage?
For most legal purposes, civil partners have the same rights and responsibilities as married couples, including effects on wills and pensions.
Related guides
- Should you remarry after 50? Marriage vs living together vs living apart
- Living apart together after 50
- What happens to your pension if you remarry?
- When a relationship isn’t progressing after 50
- Protecting your children’s inheritance in a new relationship
Sources
- GOV.UK, marriages and civil partnerships, including opposite-sex civil partnerships.
- Citizens Advice, guidance on the rights of married, civil partner and cohabiting couples.
- Relate, relationship counselling.
- UCL and Lancaster University research on “living apart together” relationships.