When you fall for someone later in life, you probably hope your children and your new partner will get on. Sometimes they do. Sometimes it’s the children who struggle with the new relationship. But sometimes the problem runs the other way: your partner doesn’t like your children, or doesn’t like the way they behave, or seems to resent the time, money and attention you give them. That can be deeply painful. Your children are a huge part of who you are, and it can feel as though you’re being asked to choose.
This guide looks at what to do when your partner doesn’t like your children, whether they’re adults with families of their own, teenagers or younger children still living at home. It covers why this happens, how to tell the difference between understandable friction and something more serious, how to talk to your partner, how to protect your relationship with your children, and when it may be a sign the relationship isn’t right. If your children are the ones who disapprove of your partner, our guide to when adult children disapprove covers that side.
General information, not legal or medical or psychological advice
This guide explains how things generally work in the UK so you know what to ask. It is not advice about your situation, and Hearts Again is not a law firm, financial adviser or healthcare provider. Rules differ between England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland and can change. Before you make any decision, speak to a qualified professional:
- a family law solicitor, for example a member of Resolution, or an accredited mediator through the Family Mediation Council (Scotland: Relationships Scotland)
- your GP, a counsellor registered with the BACP, or Samaritans on 116 123 if you are struggling
The short answer
- Friction between a new partner and your children is common, especially early on. It doesn't always mean the relationship is doomed.
- Try to understand what's behind it. Your partner may feel excluded, unsure of their role, or worried about money or time.
- Talk to your partner calmly and specifically, about behaviour rather than feelings alone.
- Your relationship with your children matters. A partner who asks you to choose, cuts you off from family or is unkind to your children is showing a serious warning sign.
- Take things slowly. Blended families often take years, not months, to settle.
- Counselling, including family or couples counselling, can help everyone communicate.
Why this happens
There are many reasons a new partner might struggle with your children. Some are understandable and can be worked through. Others are more worrying.
Common reasons include:
- Feeling like an outsider. Families have their own history, jokes and routines, which can leave a newcomer feeling excluded
- Uncertainty about their role. Are they a friend, a step-parent figure or simply your partner?
- Different values or parenting styles, especially with younger children or teenagers
- Jealousy of the time and attention you give your children or grandchildren
- Worries about money or inheritance, for example if you support adult children financially
- The children’s behaviour, for example if your children are cold, rude or hostile to them
- Their own family history, such as difficult relationships with their own children or stepchildren
- Comparison with their own family, if they don’t have children or are estranged from theirs
Understanding the reason doesn’t excuse unkind behaviour, but it can help you work out what to do.
Friction, or something more serious?
It helps to think about how serious the problem is.
| More likely to improve with time | More worrying |
|---|---|
| Awkwardness and polite distance | Open hostility, rudeness or cruelty towards your children |
| Feeling left out at family events | Refusing to attend family events, or making them difficult |
| Disagreeing with your parenting choices privately | Undermining you in front of your children |
| Wanting more time together as a couple | Demanding you see your children less, or not at all |
| Worrying about money | Pressuring you to stop helping your children, or to change your will |
| Being hurt by your children’s coldness | Retaliating against your children |
If what you’re seeing sounds more like the right-hand column, take it seriously. A partner who tries to cut you off from your family, or who treats your children unkindly, may be showing controlling behaviour. Our guide to controlling behaviour and coercive control explains the warning signs.
Adult children
Many people dating after 50 have adult children. Tension can arise around:
- Family occasions, such as Christmas, birthdays and weddings
- Grandchildren, and how much time you spend with them
- Money, such as helping adult children with deposits, childcare or bills
- Inheritance, and what will happen to your home and savings
- Your children’s views about your new relationship
Your partner may feel your adult children are taking advantage of you, or may feel resented by them. Your children may feel your partner is trying to come between you. Both may be partly right.
It may help to:
- Keep some one-to-one time with your children and grandchildren
- Avoid forcing big family gatherings too early
- Be open with your partner about your commitments, such as regular childcare
- Make your own decisions about money and inheritance, ideally with independent advice
Our guides to protecting your children’s inheritance and when your partner has grandchildren may help.
Teenagers and younger children
If your children are younger, or still living at home, the situation can be more delicate. Children may already be coping with divorce or bereavement, and a new adult in the house is a big change.
It may help to:
- Take introductions slowly, and keep early meetings short and low-key
- Keep parenting decisions with you, and their other parent where relevant, at least at first
- Avoid asking your partner to discipline your children, especially early on
- Protect routines that matter to your children
- Listen to your children’s feelings about your partner, as well as your partner’s feelings about them
If your partner is consistently critical or harsh towards your children, or your children seem afraid of them, act on that. Your children’s safety and wellbeing come first. Our guides to dating with teenagers at home and introducing a new partner to your children cover this in more depth.
How to talk to your partner
If your partner seems not to like your children, a calm, honest conversation is usually the best starting point.
Choose your moment
Talk when you’re both calm, not straight after a difficult family event or in front of your children.
Be specific
Rather than “you don’t like my kids”, it can help to describe what you’ve noticed: “When we were at my daughter’s on Sunday, you didn’t speak to her much, and you seemed annoyed when the grandchildren were noisy.”
Ask, and listen
Ask how they feel, and listen without interrupting. You might hear things that are hard, such as “I feel your son is rude to me” or “I feel I always come second”. Try to understand, even if you don’t agree.
Explain what matters to you
Be clear about what you need: “My children are really important to me. I need you to be respectful to them, even if you don’t always get on.”
Look for practical steps
You might agree on things like:
- How often you’ll see your children together and separately
- How you’ll handle family occasions
- How you’ll talk about money
- What you’ll do if things get tense
Our guide to communication in a new relationship has more on difficult conversations.
Talking to your children
Your children may already sense the tension. It may help to:
- Reassure them that your love for them hasn’t changed
- Avoid sharing every detail of your partner’s complaints
- Listen to their experience, as they may feel unwelcome
- Encourage respect, while being honest that relationships take time
Try not to put your children in the middle, or ask them to change to make your partner happy.
Holidays, Christmas and family occasions
Family occasions often bring tension to the surface. Christmas, birthdays, weddings and holidays can make a new partner feel like an outsider, or make your children feel pushed aside. It may help to:
- Plan ahead together, rather than leaving decisions to the last minute
- Split occasions if needed, for example seeing your children on Christmas Eve and your partner on Christmas Day, at least while relationships are new
- Keep the first shared occasions short, such as a lunch rather than a whole weekend
- Give your partner a role, for example cooking a dish or hosting a small gathering, if they’d like one
- Have a plan for tense moments, such as agreeing you can step outside for a walk together
It’s also worth remembering that your partner may have their own family commitments. Thinking about both families’ traditions can help everyone feel considered.
If your partner has children too
If you both have children, tensions can run in both directions. Your partner may feel you favour your children, and you may feel the same about theirs. Children may compare how they’re treated. It may help to:
- Talk about fairness openly, including money, time and gifts
- Avoid comparing children, especially out loud
- Let each parent take the lead with their own children, at least at first
- Agree basic house rules if children stay with you, so expectations are clear
If you live together
Living together can intensify problems. Visits from adult children, grandchildren staying over or teenagers living at home can all create friction. Before moving in, it’s worth talking about:
- How often your children and grandchildren will visit or stay
- Whether they’ll have keys or can drop in unannounced
- How you’ll share space during visits
- Who pays for what when family stay
Our guide to moving in or buying a home together covers the wider practicalities. Some couples find that keeping separate homes, at least for a while, reduces pressure. Our guide to living apart together explains how this works.
Building relationships slowly
Blended family relationships often take years, not months. Things that can help include:
- Shared activities, such as walks, meals or hobbies, where the focus isn’t on talking
- Small, regular contact, rather than big, high-pressure events
- Letting relationships develop at their own pace
- Acknowledging progress, however small
Our guide to blending families after 50 looks at this in more depth.
Money and inheritance
Money is a common source of tension. Your partner may worry that you’re giving too much to your children, or your children may worry about their inheritance. It may help to:
- Be open with your partner about any commitments, such as regular financial help
- Make your own decisions, ideally with independent legal and financial advice
- Think about wills and other planning, especially if you live together
Our guides to money in later-life relationships and wills when you have a new partner explain more. If a partner pressures you to change your will, or to stop helping your children, take time to think carefully.
Looking after yourself
Being caught between a partner and your children can be exhausting. You may feel guilty whichever way you turn, or worry constantly about the next family occasion. Some people find themselves hiding things from one side or the other, or avoiding family contact altogether to keep the peace.
It may help to:
- Notice how you’re feeling, including stress, low mood or poor sleep
- Talk to someone outside the situation, such as a friend or counsellor
- Keep up your own friendships and interests
- Remember that you can’t control how other adults feel about each other
- Focus on what you can do, such as setting clear expectations and protecting time with each
If the stress is affecting your health, talk to your GP.
What children often need
Whatever their age, children of a parent in a new relationship often need reassurance that:
- They still matter, and their place in your life is secure
- Their other parent isn’t being replaced, especially after a bereavement or divorce
- They won’t lose their inheritance or their family home, if that’s a worry
- Their feelings will be heard, even if you don’t always agree
Meeting those needs can reduce tension and make it easier for relationships with your partner to develop.
When your partner has a point
Sometimes a partner’s concerns are fair. Your adult children might be rude to them, take advantage of your generosity, or expect you to drop everything at short notice. It’s worth asking yourself honestly:
- Are my children treating my partner respectfully?
- Am I setting healthy boundaries with my children?
- Am I neglecting my relationship?
- Is my partner raising a reasonable concern in a reasonable way?
It’s possible to love your children and still agree that some things need to change.
When it may be a sign the relationship isn’t right
Sometimes, despite everyone’s efforts, things don’t improve. It may be a sign the relationship isn’t right if your partner:
- Asks you to choose between them and your children
- Tries to stop you seeing your children or grandchildren
- Is cruel, threatening or abusive to your children
- Constantly criticises your children, or you as a parent
- Shows no willingness to try, or to compromise
Your relationship with your children is likely to last for the rest of your life. A partner who can’t accept that may not be the right partner for you. Our guide to red flags in a new relationship covers other warning signs.
If you’re the partner who’s struggling
If you’re reading this because you find your partner’s children difficult, it’s worth being honest with yourself about why. It may help to:
- Separate the children’s behaviour from your feelings about sharing your partner’s time
- Accept that their children will always be part of their life, and a relationship with your partner includes them in some way
- Raise concerns calmly and specifically, rather than criticising the children as people
- Build your own relationship with them slowly, without trying to replace their parent
- Get support, such as counselling, if resentment is building
Many step-relationships start awkwardly and grow warmer over time, especially when everyone feels respected.
Getting help
If you’re struggling, counselling can help. Options include:
- Couples counselling, to help you and your partner communicate
- Family counselling, involving your children if they’re willing
- Individual counselling, for you, to help you think things through
Relate, Relationships Scotland and Relate NI offer counselling, including for blended families.
Common situations
“My partner says my son is rude to him”
Listen, and consider whether that’s true. You might talk to your son too, without taking sides.
“She thinks I spend too much time with my grandchildren”
Talk about what matters to you both, and look for a balance that respects your role as a grandparent.
“He refuses to come to family events”
Ask why, and look for smaller, lower-pressure ways for him to spend time with your family.
“My partner wants me to stop helping my daughter financially”
That’s your decision. Talk openly, and consider independent advice.
“My partner is harsh with my teenage son”
Your son’s wellbeing comes first. Keep discipline with you, and take it seriously if things don’t improve.
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal for a new partner not to get on with my children?
Some friction is common, especially early on. It often improves with time and effort.
What should I do if my partner doesn’t like my kids?
Talk calmly and specifically, listen to their concerns, and agree practical steps.
What if my partner asks me to choose?
That’s a serious warning sign. Your relationship with your children matters.
Should my partner discipline my children?
It’s usually best for parents to handle discipline, at least early in a relationship.
Can counselling help?
Yes. Couples or family counselling can help everyone communicate.