Many people dating after 50 find their interest in sex isn’t what it was. For some, it’s barely changed. For others, menopause, health conditions, medication, grief or the aftermath of a difficult marriage have left them with little or no desire. And when you start dating again, that can bring worry. Should you mention it? Will a new partner expect sex? What if you want a relationship but not a sexual one, or you’d like your desire back but don’t know where to start?
This guide looks at low libido, or a low sex drive, in the context of dating later in life. It covers common reasons why desire changes, where to get help, how to talk to a new partner, what to do if your desires don’t match, and how to build intimacy in other ways. It doesn’t give medical advice. If you’re worried about your sex drive, your GP is the best first step.
General information, not medical or medical or psychological advice
This guide explains how things generally work in the UK so you know what to ask. It is not advice about your situation, and Hearts Again is not a law firm, financial adviser or healthcare provider. Rules differ between England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland and can change. Before you make any decision, speak to a qualified professional:
- your GP, a pharmacist or NHS 111 (Scotland: NHS inform or 111). In an emergency, call 999
- a sexual health clinic (find one on the NHS website), your GP, a pharmacist or NHS 111
- your GP, a counsellor registered with the BACP, or Samaritans on 116 123 if you are struggling
The short answer
- Changes in sex drive are common after 50, and can affect people of any gender.
- The NHS lists many possible causes, including relationship difficulties, stress or low mood, hormone changes around menopause, some medicines, heavy drinking and long-term health conditions.
- A GP can help work out the cause and talk you through options. Don't stop any prescribed medicine without talking to your GP first.
- You don't owe anyone sex. A good partner will respect your pace and your boundaries.
- Talking openly, when the time is right, helps a new relationship more than avoiding the subject.
- Intimacy can take many forms. Some couples are very happy with little or no sex.
What is low libido?
Libido means sexual desire. It naturally varies between people and over a lifetime. “Low libido” usually means less interest in sex than you used to have, or less than you’d like. It’s only a problem if it bothers you, or causes difficulties in a relationship. Some people are perfectly content with little or no sex.
It’s also worth knowing that desire isn’t always spontaneous. For many people, particularly in long-term relationships, desire grows in response to closeness, touch and feeling relaxed, rather than appearing out of nowhere.
Common reasons sex drive changes
The NHS lists a range of possible causes of low sex drive. Several are especially relevant after 50:
- Relationship difficulties, including the after-effects of a past relationship
- Stress, worry or low mood
- Sexual problems, such as erection difficulties or vaginal dryness
- Falling hormone levels with age, particularly around menopause
- Certain medicines, including some blood pressure treatments and antidepressants
- Heavy drinking
- Long-term conditions, such as heart disease, diabetes, low thyroid function or cancer
Other things people over 50 often mention include tiredness, caring responsibilities, body image, grief and simply having been out of practice for a long time.
Grief and past relationships
After a bereavement, it’s common for sexual desire to disappear for a while, or to feel tangled up with guilt and loss. After a divorce, especially if the marriage was unhappy, sexless or involved betrayal, desire can take time to return. Some people find their libido comes back when they feel safe with a new partner. Our guides to dating after a sexless marriage and dating after bereavement may help.
Menopause
Many women notice changes in desire and comfort around menopause, often alongside symptoms such as vaginal dryness, hot flushes, poor sleep and low mood. These can make sex less appealing or uncomfortable. Treatments are available, and your GP can talk you through the options.
Men’s sex drive
Men’s sex drive can also fall with age. Possible reasons include health conditions, medication, stress, low mood, alcohol and, in some cases, low testosterone. Erection difficulties can also affect desire and confidence. A GP can investigate and explain what might help.
Body image and confidence
For many people over 50, low desire is linked to how they feel about their body. Weight changes, surgery scars, ageing skin or the effects of illness can make the idea of being seen naked by someone new feel daunting. After decades with one partner, you may also feel out of practice.
It may help to:
- Remember that most people your age have similar worries, including the person you’re dating
- Go slowly, and only do what feels comfortable
- Talk about it with a partner you trust: “I’m a bit self-conscious, so I’d like to take things slowly”
- Focus on feeling good, rather than how you look
Our guide to how to feel attractive again after 50 covers confidence in more depth.
Everyday factors
Alongside medical causes, everyday factors can affect desire. The NHS mentions heavy drinking and psychological strain, and many people also notice the effects of tiredness, poor sleep and stress. When you see your GP, it can help to mention:
- How you’re sleeping
- How much you’re drinking
- Stress at home or work, including caring responsibilities
- How you’re feeling generally, including low mood or anxiety
Your GP can help you work out what might be relevant for you.
Where to get help
Your GP
If low libido is bothering you, your GP is a good place to start. The NHS suggests seeing a GP if you’re worried about your sex drive, or if you think a medicine may be responsible. They can:
- Look for possible physical causes, such as hormone changes or health conditions
- Review your medicines
- Talk about mental health, such as stress or low mood
- Explain treatment options, which depend on the cause
Don’t stop taking any prescribed medicine without talking to your GP first, even if you think it’s affecting your libido.
Raising it with your GP
Many people find it embarrassing to talk about sex with a doctor. It may help to know that GPs discuss these issues regularly. Some tips:
- Mention it when you book, if you’d find that easier, or ask for a longer appointment
- You can ask to see a GP of a particular gender, if that would help you feel more comfortable
- Write down what you want to say, such as when the change started, what else is going on, and any medicines you take
- Be honest about relationships, mood and alcohol, as these can all be relevant
It’s fine to say, “This is a bit awkward for me, but I wanted to ask about my sex drive.”
Pharmacists
A pharmacist can give confidential advice on some issues, such as vaginal dryness, and can tell you when to see a GP.
Sex and relationship therapy
Psychosexual and relationship therapists help people and couples with sexual difficulties, including low desire. You can find accredited therapists through COSRT (the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists). Relate also offers sex therapy. Some NHS services offer psychosexual therapy, sometimes through a GP referral.
Dating when your sex drive is low
Starting to date again can bring up worries about sex. Some people avoid dating altogether because they’re afraid of what a partner will expect. Others date but feel anxious as a relationship becomes closer.
It may help to remember:
- You don’t owe anyone sex, at any stage of a relationship
- Many people over 50 are looking for companionship, not just a sexual relationship
- Desire sometimes returns with the right person, in the right circumstances, at your own pace
- Honesty helps, when you’re ready
Should you mention it on your profile?
Usually, not in detail. But if you’re clear you’re looking for companionship or a non-sexual relationship, saying so can help you meet like-minded people. For example: “Looking for companionship, conversation and days out.” Our guide to what never to put in a dating profile has more on what to share.
When to talk about it
There’s no rule. Many people find it helps to raise the subject once you know someone a little, and before things become physical. For example:
- “I want to be honest that sex isn’t a big priority for me at the moment. I’d like to take things slowly.”
- “Since my husband died, I’ve found intimacy difficult. I’d like to go at my own pace.”
- “I’ve had some health issues that affect my sex drive. I’m working on it, but I wanted you to know.”
A kind partner will respect this. If someone pressures you, sulks or makes you feel guilty, that’s a warning sign.
Pressure and consent
A new relationship should never involve pressure to have sex. Pressure can be obvious, such as repeated demands, or subtle, such as sulking, guilt-tripping or suggesting that “normal” couples have sex more often.
- You can say no at any time, including if you’ve had sex with that person before
- You can change your mind, even part way through
- Agreeing to one thing doesn’t mean agreeing to everything
If a partner repeatedly ignores your boundaries, that’s a serious warning sign. If you feel unsafe, or someone forces or coerces you into sexual activity, support is available from the police, Rape Crisis (England and Wales, and Scotland) and other specialist services. In an emergency, call 999.
When desire doesn’t match
Mismatched desire is common in relationships at every age. One partner may want sex more often, or less. In a new relationship after 50, it can help to:
- Talk openly and kindly, without blame
- Find out what each of you really wants. Sometimes “sex” means closeness, touch or reassurance
- Be curious about other forms of intimacy, such as cuddling, massage, kissing or sleeping in the same bed
- Agree on what feels fair, and revisit it from time to time
- Get help from a GP or therapist if the difference is causing distress
It’s important that any sexual activity is something both of you freely want. Consent applies in every relationship, at every age.
Our guide to communication in a new relationship after 50 has more on difficult conversations.
Intimacy beyond sex
Many couples find deep closeness without frequent sex, or without sex at all. Intimacy can include:
- Physical affection, such as holding hands, hugging and cuddling
- Sleeping together without having sex
- Emotional closeness, such as sharing worries and dreams
- Shared experiences, such as travel, hobbies and routines
- Touch, such as massage or simply sitting close
Our guide to intimacy without sex after 50 explores this in depth.
If your partner has low libido
If you’re dating someone whose sex drive is lower than yours, it can be hard not to take it personally. It may help to:
- Remember it’s rarely about you, especially early in a relationship
- Ask what helps, rather than guessing
- Avoid pressure, which usually makes desire lower
- Focus on closeness in other ways
- Be honest with yourself about whether the relationship meets your needs
If you’re unhappy, it’s fine to say so kindly, and to consider counselling together.
Over the longer term
Desire often changes over the course of a relationship. Early excitement can give way to a calmer pattern, and health, stress or life events can affect it at any time. Couples who stay close over the years often:
- Keep talking about intimacy, rather than letting it become a forbidden subject
- Make time for each other, including time that isn’t about chores, family or health
- Stay affectionate, even when sex is less frequent
- Seek help early if a difference in desire starts to cause hurt or resentment
Some couples find that their sex life improves later in a relationship, once trust is established and pressure is lower. Others settle into a relationship with little or no sex and are very happy. What matters is that both people feel heard and respected.
Asexuality
Some people experience little or no sexual attraction, and always have. Some describe themselves as asexual or on the asexual spectrum. This isn’t the same as low libido caused by health or circumstances, and it doesn’t need treatment. Asexual people can and do have loving, committed relationships. If this describes you, being open with potential partners about what you want can help you find someone compatible.
Practical comfort
Some people find that physical discomfort, rather than lack of desire, is what puts them off sex. Vaginal dryness, erection difficulties, joint pain or tiredness can all make sex feel more like a worry than a pleasure. A GP or pharmacist can explain what might help, such as lubricants or treatments, depending on the cause. Choosing a time when you’re both relaxed and not tired, and taking things slowly, can also make a difference.
Looking after your sexual health
If you do become sexually active with a new partner, it’s sensible to think about sexual health. STIs can affect people of any age, and some have no symptoms. NHS sexual health clinics are free and confidential, and many areas offer home testing kits. Our guide to sexual health and STI testing after 50 explains how to get tested.
Common situations
“I’ve had no interest in sex since my wife died”
That’s common after bereavement. Give yourself time, and talk to your GP if it’s worrying you.
“Menopause has wiped out my sex drive and I’m scared to date”
You’re not alone. Your GP can explain options for menopause symptoms, and you can date at your own pace. A kind partner will understand.
“He wants sex more than I do”
That’s a common mismatch. Talk openly, explore other forms of intimacy and consider counselling if it’s causing distress.
“My medication seems to have killed my libido”
Talk to your GP before making any changes. There may be alternatives.
“I just want companionship”
That’s a perfectly valid thing to want. Say so in your profile, and you’ll meet people who feel the same.
“I’m worried I’ll never want sex again”
That’s a common fear. Desire can change in many ways over time, and help is available. Talking to your GP is a good first step.
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal to have a low sex drive after 50?
Changes in sex drive are common with age, and can have many causes. It’s only a problem if it bothers you or affects your relationship.
What causes low libido?
The NHS lists relationship difficulties, stress, low mood, sexual problems, hormone changes, some medicines, heavy drinking and long-term health conditions, among others.
Should I see a GP about low libido?
Yes, if it’s worrying you or you think a medicine may be the cause. A GP can help find the cause and explain options.
Do I have to tell a new partner?
Not straight away. Many people find it helps to raise it before things become physical.
Can a relationship work if one person has low libido?
Yes. Many couples find closeness in other ways. Open communication matters most.
Where can I find a sex therapist?
COSRT lists accredited therapists, Relate offers sex therapy, and your GP may be able to refer you.
Related guides
- Intimacy without sex after 50
- Sex with a new partner after 50
- Dating after a sexless marriage
- Sexual health and STI testing after 50
- Communication in a new relationship after 50
- Dating with a health condition
Sources
- NHS: Loss of libido (causes, when to see a GP, treatments).
- COSRT (College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists); Relate.