After a sexless marriage: rebuilding sexual confidence

Many people who start dating again in their fifties and sixties come out of marriages where sex had stopped long before the relationship ended. Sometimes it faded slowly over years. Sometimes it stopped suddenly after an illness, an affair, a bereavement or a row nobody ever resolved. Sometimes one person wanted it and the other didn’t, and the subject became too painful to raise.

If that’s your story, the prospect of sex with someone new can bring up a confusing mix of feelings: excitement, fear, grief for the years lost, worry that you’ve forgotten how, or a nagging belief that the problem was you. This guide looks at what a sexless marriage can leave behind, how to rebuild sexual confidence at your own pace, how to talk to a new partner about it, and when it’s worth getting professional help.

General information, not medical or medical or psychological advice

This guide explains how things generally work in the UK so you know what to ask. It is not advice about your situation, and Hearts Again is not a law firm, financial adviser or healthcare provider. Rules differ between England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland and can change. Before you make any decision, speak to a qualified professional:

your GP, a pharmacist or NHS 111 (Scotland: NHS inform or 111). In an emergency, call 999
your GP, a counsellor registered with the BACP, or Samaritans on 116 123 if you are struggling

The short answer

A sexless marriage is common and rarely down to one person. Illness, stress, resentment, caring and simple drift all play a part.
Years without sex can leave you feeling undesirable, anxious or out of touch with your own body. These feelings usually ease with time and the right partner.
Rebuilding confidence starts with you, not a new partner: reconnecting with your body, checking your physical health and deciding what you want.
You don't need to tell a new partner the whole story, but a short, honest explanation of why you'd like to go slowly helps.
Physical issues such as vaginal dryness and erection problems are common after long gaps and usually treatable.
Counselling and sex therapy, including through Relate and therapists registered with COSRT, can help if anxiety, trauma or low desire get in the way.

What a sexless marriage can leave behind

Being in a relationship without sex, especially if you wanted it and your partner didn’t, can affect you in ways you may only notice once you’re single again.

Feeling undesirable

When a partner repeatedly turns away from you, it’s very hard not to take it personally, even when the reasons had nothing to do with you. Years of this can leave a deep sense that you’re unattractive or not worth wanting. That belief often comes with you into dating, and it can make you either hold back or rush into something to prove it wrong.

Anxiety about performance

If you haven’t had sex for five, ten or twenty years, it’s natural to worry that you’ll be awkward, that your body won’t respond or that you’ll disappoint someone. Many people describe feeling like a nervous teenager again.

Grief and anger

Some people feel real grief for the intimacy they missed during their marriage, and anger at a partner who wouldn’t talk about it or seek help. Those feelings can surface when you’re finally being touched by someone who wants to touch you.

Disconnection from your own body

When sex stops, many people stop thinking of themselves as sexual at all. They may stop exercising, stop caring about clothes, or stop noticing their own desires. Reconnecting takes time.

If you were the one who stopped wanting sex

It isn’t always the other partner who withdrew. If you lost interest because of menopause, depression, medication, exhaustion, resentment or a partner you no longer felt close to, you might be unsure whether your desire will return with someone new. For many people it does, but it’s worth understanding why it went. Our guide to sex with a new partner after 50 covers the physical changes that often play a part.

Why marriages become sexless

Understanding what happened can help you let go of blame, including self-blame. Common causes include:

Illness and disability. Cancer, heart disease, strokes, diabetes, chronic pain and many other conditions can end or change a couple’s sex life.
Caring. If you nursed a partner through a long illness, the relationship may have shifted from lovers to carer and patient.
Menopause and hormonal changes. Vaginal dryness, pain and lower desire are common and often go untreated.
Erection problems. Many men withdraw from intimacy altogether rather than face the embarrassment of difficulty.
Mental health. Depression, anxiety and some medications for them reduce desire.
Unresolved conflict. Resentment, infidelity or feeling unappreciated can make physical closeness impossible.
Drift. Busy lives, children, work and tiredness can mean sex slips away gradually, until nobody knows how to restart.
Different levels of desire. Some couples were always mismatched, and it got worse with time.

Very often, several of these were at work at once. The fact that sex stopped in your marriage doesn’t mean it will stop in your next relationship, and it doesn’t mean you’re incapable of a good sex life.

Rebuilding confidence starts with you

It’s tempting to think a new partner will fix everything. Sometimes they do help enormously. But rebuilding sexual confidence is easier if you do some of the groundwork yourself first.

Reconnect with your body

After years of feeling unwanted, it helps to get back in touch with your body in ways that have nothing to do with anyone else. Regular exercise you enjoy, whether that’s walking, swimming, dancing or yoga, can improve energy, mood and how you feel about yourself physically. So can small things such as new clothes that fit well, a haircut, or taking time over how you look because you want to.

Rediscover what you enjoy

Self-touch and masturbation are a normal and healthy way to reconnect with your own sexual response, and many sex therapists recommend it as a first step after a long gap. It lets you find out what feels good now, without pressure from anyone else. It’s also a reassuring way to discover that your body still responds.

Physical health: questions for your GP or pharmacist

If sex has been absent for a long time, some things may have changed without your noticing. This is general information about what the NHS describes. A GP or pharmacist can tell you what applies to you.

For women, vaginal tissue can become thinner and drier after menopause. The NHS describes lubricants, vaginal moisturisers and low-dose vaginal oestrogen as options. One vaginal oestrogen product, Gina 10 microgram tablets, has been available from pharmacies since 2022 without a prescription for some women aged 50 and over, after a pharmacist consultation. Whether any of these suits you is for a pharmacist or GP to advise.
For men, erection problems are common and can be linked to heart disease, diabetes or blood pressure, which is why the NHS suggests seeing a GP. Some treatments are available from pharmacies after a consultation, where the pharmacist checks whether they’re safe for you.
For everyone, a general check-up with a GP can pick up issues such as low mood, thyroid problems or medication side effects that affect desire.

Decide what you actually want

After years without sex, you might want a lot of it, or you might want intimacy and affection with less emphasis on sex. You might want a committed relationship or something more casual while you find your feet. There’s no wrong answer, but knowing roughly what you want makes it easier to find someone who wants the same.

Work through what happened

If you’re carrying anger or grief about your marriage, it helps to process it before, or alongside, a new relationship. Talking to a trusted friend, writing things down or seeing a counsellor can all help. Otherwise, it’s easy to project old hurts onto a new partner, for example by reading a tired “not tonight” as the start of the same rejection.

Starting again with a new partner

Take it slowly

There’s no need to go from nothing to everything overnight. Many people find it helps to rebuild intimacy in stages: holding hands, kissing, cuddling, sharing a bed without sex, and then taking things further when it feels right. That gives both of you time to feel comfortable.

What to tell them

You don’t owe a new partner your full history. But if you’re anxious, a short explanation often helps them understand why you might be hesitant or nervous. For example:

“My marriage was pretty much sexless for the last ten years, so this is a big deal for me. I’d like to take things slowly.”
“I haven’t been with anyone for a long time, so I might be a bit nervous. It’s not about you.”
“I’m really attracted to you, I’m just out of practice.”

Most people respond to this kind of honesty with kindness. Many will have similar experiences themselves. What isn’t helpful is going into detail about your ex’s sexual problems early on, or presenting your new partner as the solution. Keep it about you and what you’d like now.

Expect some awkwardness

The first few times may not go perfectly. Bodies don’t always cooperate, nerves get in the way and you’re still learning each other. That’s normal at any age. Laughing about it together is often the best thing you can do.

Notice the difference

For many people, one of the most healing parts of a new relationship is simply being wanted. When someone reaches for your hand or is clearly pleased to see you, it can start to undo years of feeling unwanted. Let yourself notice that.

Don’t use sex to prove something

After a sexless marriage, it can be tempting to use a new partner, or several, to prove you’re still desirable. That’s understandable, but it can lead to sex you don’t really want, or relationships that move too fast. It’s better to focus on how you feel with someone than on whether they want you.

Talking about desire and frequency

If your marriage ended partly because of mismatched desire, you may be anxious about it happening again. Talking openly, early, can help.

Talk about what you’d like. Not in a list of demands, but in general terms: how important sex is to you, and what kind of intimacy matters.
Ask what they’d like. Listen properly, even if the answer isn’t what you hoped.
Watch for patterns. If a new partner avoids physical closeness and won’t talk about it, that may be a sign of the same kind of mismatch you had before.
Don’t assume. Desire often fluctuates, and a partner who is tired or unwell for a week isn’t necessarily losing interest.

If you realise that you and a new partner want very different things, it’s usually kinder to recognise it early. Our guide to a relationship that isn’t progressing looks at how to decide whether to stay.

If your marriage involved hurt or pressure

Not every sexless marriage is simply sad. Some involve pressure, coercion, humiliation or sex that wasn’t wanted. If that’s part of your history, you may find that intimacy with someone new brings up fear or distress, sometimes unexpectedly.

It’s important to take that seriously. Going very slowly, telling a partner that you need to stop if you feel uncomfortable, and getting professional support can all help. You can talk confidentially to Rape Crisis England and Wales on 0808 500 2222 or Rape Crisis Scotland on 08088 01 03 02, and a GP can refer you for counselling.

When to get professional help

Many people rebuild their confidence without any outside help. But it’s worth considering counselling or sex therapy if:

you feel too anxious to be intimate, even with someone you trust
you have little or no desire and it bothers you
sex is painful and treatment hasn’t helped
you’re struggling with anger or grief about your marriage
you and a new partner can’t resolve differences in what you want
past trauma is affecting how you feel about sex

Where to look

Relate offers relationship counselling and sex therapy in many parts of the UK, both for individuals and couples, in person, by phone and online. There’s usually a charge, which varies by location.
The College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (COSRT) keeps a directory of registered therapists.
The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) has a directory of counsellors.
Your GP can refer you to NHS psychological therapies for issues such as anxiety or depression, and may be able to refer you to NHS psychosexual services, though availability varies by area.

What sex therapy involves

Sex therapy is a form of talking therapy. It doesn’t involve any sexual activity with the therapist. It usually involves talking about your history and feelings, and sometimes exercises to try at home, alone or with a partner. One commonly used approach, called sensate focus, involves a gradual series of touching exercises that take the pressure off performance and help rebuild comfort with physical closeness.

Looking after yourself

Rebuilding confidence after a sexless marriage takes time. A few things to keep in mind:

Be patient with yourself. You’re undoing years of habit and belief.
Look after your health. Sleep, exercise, alcohol and stress all affect desire.
Protect yourself. Use condoms with new partners until you’ve both been tested. Our guide to sexual health and STI testing explains how.
Trust your instincts. If someone makes you feel pressured, rushed or judged, they’re not the right person.
Celebrate progress. Feeling attractive again, enjoying a kiss or waking up next to someone are all real steps.

If you’re widowed after years without sex

Some people come to dating after bereavement having spent the last years of their marriage as a carer, with sex long gone because of their partner’s illness. That brings its own mix of feelings.

Guilt about wanting sex. It’s common to feel that wanting physical closeness again is a betrayal, especially if your late partner couldn’t share it for a long time. It isn’t. Wanting to be touched and desired is a normal human need, and you’ve likely gone without it for a long time. Our guide to guilt after losing a partner may help.
Adjusting from carer to partner. After years of looking after someone, being looked after, or simply being treated as an equal in a physical relationship, can feel strange. Give yourself time.
Grief that arrives during intimacy. A new partner’s touch can bring memories of your late partner, sometimes of the earlier, happier years. That’s normal. It doesn’t mean you’re not ready, but it does help to have a partner who can be patient if you need to stop.
Explaining it to a new partner. A simple explanation is enough: “My husband was ill for a long time before he died, so it’s been years since I’ve been close to anyone.” Most people will understand.

Our guides to dating after bereavement and dating a widow or widower cover the wider emotional side of starting again.

Frequently asked questions

Is it normal to be in a sexless marriage?

It’s more common than many people realise. Illness, caring, menopause, erection problems, stress and conflict can all cause couples to stop having sex.

Will I remember how to have sex after years without it?

Yes. Most people find their bodies remember more than they expect. It’s usually the confidence, not the ability, that needs rebuilding.

Should I tell a new partner my marriage was sexless?

You don’t have to, but a brief, honest explanation of why you’re nervous or want to go slowly often helps. Avoid going into detail about your ex.

What if my desire doesn’t come back?

It often does with the right partner and a bit of time. If it doesn’t and that bothers you, a GP or sex therapist can help look at physical and emotional causes.

How do I stop worrying that it will happen again?

Talk openly with a new partner about what you both want, and watch how they respond. Patterns of avoiding intimacy and refusing to discuss it are worth noticing early.

Is sex therapy expensive?

Costs vary. Relate and private therapists charge for sessions, and NHS psychosexual services exist in some areas through a GP referral.

Related guides

Sources

NHS, Menopause, erection problems and loss of libido: causes and treatments.
MHRA and British Menopause Society, 2022 reclassification of Gina 10 microgram vaginal tablets.
Relate, relationship counselling and sex therapy services.
College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (COSRT) and BACP therapist directories.
Rape Crisis England and Wales and Rape Crisis Scotland support line details.
Hearts Again editorial research, including themes from over-50s dating communities (summarised, not quoted).