Erection problems are one of the most common worries for men who start dating again later in life, and one of the least talked about. Some men avoid dating altogether because they’re anxious about it. Others meet someone they like, then panic as the relationship moves towards intimacy. And partners can be confused or hurt if a man pulls away without explaining why.
The NHS describes erectile dysfunction (ED) as common, especially in men over 40. It is often treatable, and it doesn’t have to stop you having a loving, close and enjoyable relationship. This guide looks at erectile dysfunction in the context of dating after 50: how it can affect confidence, when and how to talk to a new partner, what partners can do, and where to get medical and emotional support. It’s not medical advice. If you’re having erection problems, please speak to a GP, pharmacist or sexual health clinic.
General information, not medical or medical or psychological advice
This guide explains how things generally work in the UK so you know what to ask. It is not advice about your situation, and Hearts Again is not a law firm, financial adviser or healthcare provider. Rules differ between England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland and can change. Before you make any decision, speak to a qualified professional:
- your GP, a pharmacist or NHS 111 (Scotland: NHS inform or 111). In an emergency, call 999
- a sexual health clinic (find one on the NHS website), your GP, a pharmacist or NHS 111
- your GP, a counsellor registered with the BACP, or Samaritans on 116 123 if you are struggling
The short answer
- Erectile dysfunction is common, particularly in men over 40. Most men have trouble getting or keeping an erection from time to time.
- The NHS advises seeing a GP if it keeps happening. Erection problems can have physical causes, such as high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes or medication side effects, as well as emotional ones.
- Anxiety about performance is very common when dating again, and can make erection problems worse.
- You don't have to explain your health history on early dates. Many men find it helps to talk to a partner before, or soon after, things become physical.
- Intimacy is much broader than penetrative sex. Many couples enjoy a fulfilling sex life with or without erections.
- Support is available from GPs, pharmacists, sexual health clinics and accredited sex and relationship therapists.
How common erection problems are
It’s very normal for men to occasionally find it difficult to get or keep an erection. According to the NHS, this is often down to stress, tiredness or drinking too much alcohol, and is usually nothing to worry about. Erection problems that keep happening are also common, especially in men over 40.
That’s worth remembering if you feel you’re the only one. Many men who are dating in their 50s, 60s and beyond have experienced erection problems at some point. They just don’t talk about it.
Why erection problems happen
The NHS lists both physical and psychological causes. This is general information, not a way to diagnose yourself.
| Type | Examples the NHS mentions |
|---|---|
| Physical | High blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, hormone problems, side effects of some medicines |
| Psychological | Stress, tiredness, anxiety, depression |
| Lifestyle | Drinking too much alcohol, smoking, being overweight, lack of exercise |
Many men have a mix of causes. For example, an underlying physical issue may make erections less reliable, and worry about that may then make things worse.
Some treatments for other conditions, such as prostate cancer, can also affect erections. If you’ve had prostate cancer treatment, your medical team or Prostate Cancer UK’s specialist nurses can talk you through what to expect. Our guide to dating after cancer looks at this more broadly.
Why seeing a GP matters
Because erection problems can be linked to conditions such as high blood pressure, high cholesterol and diabetes, the NHS advises seeing a GP if they keep happening. A GP can look at possible causes, check your overall health and talk you through treatment options. It may feel embarrassing, but GPs discuss erection problems regularly.
If you’d rather not see your GP, the NHS says sexual health clinics can provide the same treatment, and many offer walk-in appointments. You can also speak to a pharmacist in confidence.
A word of caution about buying treatments online
The NHS warns that buying medicines online carries risks, including the risk of fake medicines. If you’re thinking about treatment, speak to a GP, pharmacist or sexual health clinic, who can explain the options and whether they’re suitable for you, especially if you take other medicines or have a heart condition.
What to expect when you see a GP
Many men put off seeing a GP about erection problems because they feel embarrassed or don’t know what will happen. Knowing what to expect may make it easier. A GP will usually:
- Ask about your symptoms, such as how long the problem has been happening and whether you still get erections at other times, for example in the morning
- Ask about your general health, any medicines you take, how much you drink and whether you smoke
- Ask about stress, mood and relationships, because emotional factors can play a part
- Check things like your blood pressure, and may suggest blood tests
You can ask to see a male or female GP if you’d feel more comfortable, and you can bring a list of questions. It’s fine to say at the start, “This is a bit embarrassing for me.” GPs are used to that.
If you’re in a new relationship, you don’t need to bring your partner, but some men find it helpful to talk to their partner afterwards about what the GP said.
If you take medicines for other conditions
Many men over 50 take regular medicines, for example for blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetes, depression or prostate problems. The NHS lists side effects of some medicines among the possible causes of erection problems. If you think a medicine might be affecting you, don’t stop taking it on your own. Speak to your GP or pharmacist, who can review your medicines and talk through the options.
Equally, if you’re thinking about taking something for erection problems, it’s important to tell a doctor or pharmacist about any other medicines you take and any health conditions you have, especially heart problems. Only a health professional can tell you what’s safe for you.
How erection problems can affect dating
Erection problems are not just a physical issue. They can affect how you feel about yourself, and how you approach dating.
Men commonly describe:
- Avoiding dating because they fear a relationship will become physical
- Ending things early, just as a relationship is going well, to avoid intimacy
- Drinking more to calm nerves, which can make erections harder
- Focusing on performance rather than enjoying closeness
- Feeling less of a man, or worrying a partner will lose interest
- Comparing themselves to how they were in their 20s or 30s
After a long marriage, some men have experienced erection problems that their late wife or ex-wife knew about and accepted. Starting again with someone new can bring back old worries. Men who’ve been single for a long time may feel out of practice and anxious in general, which can feed into erection problems.
Performance anxiety
Anxiety about sex is very common when dating again. Worrying that you won’t get an erection can create tension that makes it more likely to happen, which then increases anxiety next time. Many men find it helps to:
- Take the pressure off, for example by agreeing with a partner that you’ll take things slowly
- Focus on closeness and pleasure, rather than a particular outcome
- Avoid drinking a lot before being intimate
- Talk to a professional, such as a GP or an accredited sex therapist, if anxiety is getting in the way
When and how to talk to a new partner
There’s no rule about when to raise erection problems. You certainly don’t need to mention it in your dating profile or on a first date. But many men find that talking about it before, or soon after, things become physical makes intimacy much less stressful.
Choosing your moment
It can help to raise it:
- When you’re both relaxed, and not in the middle of being intimate
- When the relationship feels like it’s going somewhere, and you trust the other person
- Before the first time you’re intimate, if you think it might be an issue
Some men prefer to talk about it after a first attempt at intimacy hasn’t gone as planned. That’s fine too. The key is to explain, rather than withdrawing and leaving your partner to guess.
What you might say
You don’t need to share every detail of your health. You might say something like:
- “I really like you, and I want to be honest about something. Sometimes I have trouble with erections. It’s nothing to do with how I feel about you.”
- “I’m seeing my GP about it, but I wanted you to know so you don’t think it’s you.”
- “I get a bit nervous at the start of a relationship, and that can affect things. Can we take it slowly?”
How partners often react
Many partners are understanding, especially later in life, when health issues are common. Some may have experienced the same thing with a previous partner. Others may have their own worries, such as vaginal dryness, menopause symptoms, pain or body confidence, and may be relieved that you’ve raised the subject of sex at all.
A kind, respectful partner won’t mock you or pressure you. If someone does, that tells you a lot about them.
If you’re the partner
If you’re dating a man who has erection problems, you might feel unsure what to do. Some partners worry it means he isn’t attracted to them. That’s a very common fear, and usually not the case.
It may help to:
- Remember it’s common, and often has physical or emotional causes that have nothing to do with you
- Avoid taking it personally, even if it’s hard not to
- Be reassuring, without making a big deal of it
- Talk about it outside the bedroom, when you’re both relaxed
- Focus on other kinds of closeness, such as touch, kissing and affection
- Encourage him to see a GP, if it keeps happening, without nagging or pressure
You can also say how you feel. If you’re worried, frustrated or would like more intimacy, it’s fine to say so kindly. Healthy relationships involve both people’s needs. Our guide to low libido after 50 covers what happens when partners have different levels of desire.
Intimacy is more than erections
Many couples find that a satisfying sex life doesn’t depend on erections. Intimacy can include:
- Touch, cuddling and massage
- Kissing
- Oral sex and other forms of sexual contact
- Using sex toys, if you’re both comfortable
- Talking, flirting and spending time together
Some couples find that taking penetration off the table for a while reduces pressure and helps them enjoy each other more. Our guide to intimacy without sex after 50 looks at different ways couples stay close.
Sexual health and safety
If you’re starting a sexual relationship with someone new, it’s worth thinking about sexual health. Sexually transmitted infections can affect people of any age. Some people assume condoms are less relevant later in life because pregnancy isn’t a concern, but condoms also help protect against STIs. Some men find that condoms can make erections harder to maintain. If that’s the case for you, a sexual health clinic or pharmacist can talk you through the options. Our guide to sexual health and STI testing explains how testing works in the UK.
Support and treatment options
Only a health professional can tell you what’s suitable for you. In general terms, the NHS describes several types of treatment for erection problems, including:
- Treating underlying causes, such as reviewing medicines or managing blood pressure, cholesterol or hormone problems
- Medicines, some of which are available on prescription, and one of which can be bought from a pharmacy after speaking to a pharmacist
- Devices, such as vacuum pumps, although these may not always be available on the NHS
- Counselling or therapy, where emotional or mental health issues are involved
- Lifestyle changes, such as stopping smoking, drinking less, being more active and managing stress
A GP, pharmacist or sexual health clinic can explain the options and help you decide what’s right for you.
Talking therapies and sex therapy
If anxiety, past experiences or relationship worries are affecting your sex life, a counsellor or accredited sex and relationship therapist may help. You can:
- Ask your GP about local services
- Contact Relate, which offers sex therapy in many areas of England and Wales, or Relationships Scotland and Relate NI
- Search the directory of the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (COSRT), for accredited therapists
You can see a therapist on your own, or with a partner.
Looking after your confidence
Erection problems can knock your confidence, but they don’t define you. Many men find it helps to:
- Remember what you bring to a relationship, such as kindness, humour, loyalty and shared interests
- Talk to someone you trust, such as a close friend, a GP or a counsellor
- Look after your general health, which can benefit your mood and energy as well as your sex life
- Be patient with yourself, especially if you’re dating for the first time in years
Our guide to feeling attractive again has more ideas for rebuilding confidence later in life.
Dating apps and expectations
Some dating apps and websites can feel quite focused on appearance and sex. If that makes you anxious, it may help to:
- Be clear in your profile about what you’re looking for, whether that’s companionship, a relationship or something more casual
- Choose apps aimed at people looking for long-term relationships, if that’s what you want
- Take things at your own pace, and don’t feel pressured to become physical quickly
Our guide to whether to look for a relationship or something casual may help you think about what you want.
Common situations
“I haven’t been with anyone since my wife died, and I’m worried it won’t work”
That’s very common. Anxiety after a long gap can affect erections. Taking things slowly, talking to a new partner and speaking to a GP may help.
“It happened on our first night together and I left”
That can feel mortifying, but it’s not unusual. Many men find it helps to get in touch, explain and reassure the other person.
“She thinks I don’t find her attractive”
Explaining that erection problems are common and not about her can help. You might also suggest focusing on other kinds of intimacy for a while.
“My new partner has erection problems and won’t talk about it”
Try raising it gently, outside the bedroom, and reassure him. If he’s still not ready, give him time, but it’s fine to say how you feel.
“I’m on medication for my heart. Can I take something for ED?”
Only a doctor or pharmacist can answer that. Please speak to them before taking anything.
Frequently asked questions
Is erectile dysfunction normal after 50?
The NHS describes it as common, especially in men over 40. It can often be treated, so it’s worth seeing a GP if it keeps happening.
Should I tell my date I have erectile dysfunction?
There’s no need to on a first date. Many men find it helps to talk about it before, or soon after, things become physical.
Can anxiety cause erection problems?
Yes. The NHS lists stress and anxiety among the psychological causes.
Can I buy treatment from a pharmacy?
The NHS says one medicine can be bought from a pharmacy, while others need a prescription. A pharmacist can talk you through whether it’s suitable.
Is it safe to buy ED treatment online?
The NHS warns that buying medicines online carries risks, including fake medicines. Speak to a GP or pharmacist.
Who can I talk to about the emotional side?
A GP, a counsellor or an accredited sex and relationship therapist, for example through Relate or COSRT.
Related guides
- Vaginal dryness and new relationships
- Dating with diabetes after 50
- Sex with a new partner after 50
- Intimacy without sex after 50
- Low libido after 50
- Sexual health and STI testing
- Dating with a health condition
- How to feel attractive again
Sources
- NHS, “Erectile dysfunction (impotence)”, nhs.uk.
- Prostate Cancer UK; Relate; Relationships Scotland; Relate NI; College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (COSRT).